Lifeguard is the weirdest job. Like hey, you’re 16 years old, make sure no one dies.
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Does a sunset actually happen if someone doesn’t take a picture of it and post it on Instagram?
there are two types of people:
– someone who texts an entire paragraph before hitting send
– someone who texts that same paragraph and hits send after every third word
Do those “selfie sticks” retract, or do you just have to walk around like a doofus with a stick all day?
4: Let’s hunt turkeys, Daddy.
Me: How do we do that?
4: Put up a big sign that says, “Come here, Turkeys!”
I might be raising Elmer Fudd.
My husband just told me to relax, like he doesn’t remember we’re camping in the desert and I brought a shovel.
I’m so glad the Met gala is back because after all the sadness and introspection of last year I can once again ask “What is this event exactly” and “Who cares” and “Why do I know this is a thing”
Toddler: My feet are cold, do you have any feet warm stuff?
Me: Yes, socks
Toddler: No!!
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: I’m half horse, half Isaac Newton
Professor X: oh… ok. listen, we don’t have any openings right now bu-
Me: they call me The Centaur of Gravity
Professor X: welcome aboard
Men don’t use the Internet. Don’t believe me women? Go check your man’s search history. Guarantee it’s empty.
A few people have written me happy birthday without any exclamation points. It’s like they don’t even care.
Instead of intermittent fasting I’ve been trying intermittent eating and it’s working. I’m rarely hungry. The trick is to eat with dedicated regularity. Can’t believe no one else had it figured out yet.
WIFE: Ok *deep sigh* why are you in the bathtub w/ a horse?
ME: [soaping behind Mr Butters’ ears] It’s called a stable relationship, Thelma
I’m not lazy
Flight attendant: Is anyone on board a doctor?
Me: No, I’m on board a plane haha
Man having a heart attack: ok I’m ready to die now
GOLFER: what r u thinkin
ME (caddying): honestly sometimes i wake up & am mad that im not dead
GOLFER: jesus. i meant what club should i use
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
Me: god you’re sexy
Her (sultry whisper): I’ll bet you say that to all the women
Me (sultry whisper): not my mom
An alternate Batman origin story where Bruce’s parents are slowly pushed off a ledge by Catwoman.
Don’t mind me, I slept on the wrong side of the bed, spilled a ton of water on me trying to take a sip from the bottle, slipped on a plate which I forgot I left on the floor, and the most tragic of all, I accidentally put on men’s perfume
When I was your age we had to walk barefoot two miles uphill in the snow to Twitter
As the parent of a 5yo boy, I can name all the dinosaurs and none of my coworkers.
[first day as a chef]
assistant: why is your hat squeaking
I heard recently that many people hate it when you tell them they are in your thoughts & prayers during times of difficulty.
I don’t want to be insensitive to anyone’s feelings. So from now on, I’ll just say “sucks to be you.”
Obama: any good ideas in how to defeat isis?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: besides assembling the Avengers?
*Biden lowers hand*
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
Haven’t lost a game of chess in twenty years, mainly because I haven’t played in that long or what have you.
4 dudes 1 kickflip #Skateboarding #skatetwitter
*takes my split ends to couples counseling*
My son, in the restaurant: “Mom! If you don’t stop dancing to Despacito I’m literally going to drink and drive, and I don’t have a license yet.”
Why just pufferfish? Why not other pufferanimals?
Why not a pufferpuma?