Me: *meeting a priest* Nice dress, bro.
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[At a loud club]
Me: *the unceasing drone of locusts, driving to madness all unlucky souls who hear it*
Him: WHAT?
Me: *THE UNCEASING DRO
If I ever visit Japan, the first thing I’ll do is run through those paper walls pretending I’m the Kool-Aid man.
My grandma used to say: “Never stand behind a cow when it’s windy or your face will be covered with freckles”.😂
“Man, what’s eating you today?
*looks down*
I Don’t know…. GET IT OFF OF ME!!!
[Pre-School pick up]
Wife: what did you learn today?
Me: the highest waterfall in the world is actually in the ocean.
Wife: I was talking to our Daughter.
Daughter: snakes got no legs.
Me: [visibly upset] everyone knows that already.
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: You’ve already written no
Doctor: I just looked at you and made a guess
Me: well let me tell you, it was a good guess
Bumped into my Ex again. I should really move her to a different part of the freezer.
Me: no way you could see that with your naked eye
7yo: *shocked* my eye is not naked
Judge: plz tell the court what happened
Victim: he attacked me with this! [holds up pasta strainer]
Judge: that doesn’t hold any water
Nobody ever asked me to prove that I’m not an elephant, but I once lost an argument about being a french poodle
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
If your best clothes proudly advertise Monster Energy Drink, you can’t be left alone with your best looking cousin.
My daughter and I were in a drive thru and the lady said, “She headed to a photo shoot?” And I said, “She’s actually on her way to court.”
She looked surprised so I said, “She’s not in trouble, she’s a lawyer.” And she said, “Well if she was in trouble she wouldn’t be for long.”
I’m wildly unpopular in dessert circles for my hot hollandaise ice cream sundaes.
Why does the dentist have to take an X-ray of my teeth. They right there bro
Him: You need to ease up on always picking out the things I do wrong
Me: You make it sound like I do it all the time!
Him: Even when I’m doing good, you have to find a mista…
Me: “Well”…when you’re doing “well”
Him:
Me: Go on…
MOSES: Cool thinkpiece
GOD: It’s a list of commandments. Not everything is a thinkpiece! Jesus Christ
MOSES: Who?
GOD: Oops, sorry. Spoilers
ME: [with a child on a leash] this is my therapy child.
Fun Fact:
If you answer your phone, “Christ speaking”, 70% of the callers will hang up on you.
You’re welcome.
When people start a sentence with “believe it or not” I’m like wow, those are two very good options
Having the time of my life slicing vegetables super fast like I’m a chef at a Michelin star restaurant while the uneven mess I’m creating looks back at me in its judgmental misery *chef’s kiss*
I used to believe in International Women’s Day… then I realised it was just my dad sneaking into my room, dressed as an International Woman.
ADVERSARY: I’ll beat you at your own game
ME: so crying is competitive now?!
If you haven’t tried blindfold archery you should give it a go, you don’t know what you’re missing.
I hope I never have to produce an alibi…cause eating salsa in bed with my cat every night would never hold up in court.
I avoid cheating on my spouse by not getting married.
“Weltengesichtpfeifenschuldigung” is the German word for “accepting as a fact something you’ve just been told without bothering to check”.
Women love a man who will look at them like nothing else matters, except for when you’re doing it through their bedroom window, apparently.
Does anybody know what day Easter falls on this year?
A truck just flipped a dead squirrel onto my windshield and it’s stuck in my wiper.
I guess I don’t have to stop to get supper tonight.