doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re critical
me: I meant medically
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I talk like a sailor in front of my kid. He’s gonna swear anyway and I want him to be good at it.
GUY WHO INVENTED STEW:
I wish this plate of meat & vegetables was damp.
I’m not saying that I haven’t incorporated math into my adult life. I’m just saying I could’ve dropped out after elementary school.
“I lost my Khakis”
– a guy from Boston who lost his car keys.
What idiot named her Miley Cyrus’ grandma and not Nana Montana.
My sister got me this real fancy, expensive laundry detergent for Christmas, and I washed my bedding with it. The first night I dreamt I was drowning in a candle and the next I woke up with my blanket in my mouth. No one ever said the transition to boujee would be an easy one.
I was a fantastic parent right up until I had kids of my own.
Y’all answering phones calls while on the toilet need Jesus
Me: Christmas is nothing but corporate greed!
Mom: Would you like some more gold leaf sugar sprinkled on your cocoa?
Me: Yes please.
*visiting Egypt*
“What the hell, they walk like everybody else!”
Best bird cliques…
A “murder” of crows
A “flamboyance” of flamingos
A “fall” of woodcocks…aka dudes who realize they’ve been catfished
Wife: we argue a lot about money
Therapist: well that’s not uncommon among coupl-
Me: Andrew Jackson was a genocidal murderer and should be taken off the twenty dollar bill. I am not budging on this, Diane.
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I unfollow you.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I block you.“A Game of Phones”
I’m Irish which is kinda like being Sith, if I’m mad you can feel my hatred from anywhere in the galaxy
Woke up feeling not too shabby for a 55-year-old. The only problem is I’m still in my 40s.
Nothing like the lingering dread of a project that goes far too easily.
I’m so happy that I got rid of my $250 cable so I can spend $500 on streaming services.
I’ve got a neighbor who’s really into morons. I should introduce her to you guys.
Me: wanna play would you rather?
Her: sure
Me: ok would you rather have a cat or a giraffe named Genevieve who can help out around the house
[gutter rattles in the backyard]
Her: *narrows eyes*
You aren’t a real Metallica fan unless you hate all but 2 of their albums
*feels painful possible cavity*
*eats chocolate to feel better*
When you wear a cardigan for the very first time it’s just called a card
Ten out of one women is a Russian Nesting Doll
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
If this guy doesn’t stop staring at my boobs, well then, I’m just gonna have to wear this shirt more often.
Me: I’m so tired. Can’t wait to go to sleep.
Body: Hold up there. Need to test nerve endings. Here’s a random shooting pain in your hand.
Me: No.
Brain: Here’s that weird jerking thing when you start to fall asleep!!
Me: Please stop.
Body: Itchy back!
*Romantically carries pizza over threshold
We’re not supposed to bring snacks to meetings because they’re a distraction, but so far no one’s realized my mask is full of Doritos.
1920’s: Women were fighting for equality and the poor were suffering while the rich prospered at their expense.
2020’s: Women are fighting for equality and the poor are suffering while the rich prosper at their expense but we have the Internet now.