doctor: god you’re unhealthy
me: we haven’t started the check-up
doctor: ya i just found your insta
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Under a bridge, harassing goats. That’s how I troll.
Whenever someone tells me they have an IQ of 140, I wonder if that’s Fahrenheit or centigrade.
Waiter: And what would the lady like?
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Date: Gigi, he means you.
Me: *blushing* Oh, wow. He called me a lady.
Throw away mascara that is empty???? no no no why would I do that? instead I keep them all in my makeup bag and give myself a little game of “which one of these 10 identical tubes is full?” it’s very fun and ruins every single one of my mornings
Whoa 😂
next time i open up to someone is during surgery
Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t like things as much as I do.
Me: Hey Mom!
My mom: Oh haha I get that all the time
Me: Wha-
Definitely my mom: *walking away from me* Just one of those faces, I guess!
My man put me on eBay, that’s right, I got bidnapped
Don’t let the cargo shorts and flip flops fool you…I’m not the sex symbol you may think I am.
[harry potter, college edition]
Voldemort: the boy who lived, come t-
Harry: yeah yeah just kill me already
Voldemort: wh-what
Harry: i’m $100k in debt and i have a masters in communications
Voldemort: *giggling* on second thought nevermind
My corpse will likely be too lazy for rigor mortis.
haha, we all make mistakes. for example, i ate some oysters that i found in the hotel hallway & now i can see my ancestors
aliens took me up to on their ship but i have no time for that drama so i just jumped out
[before date]
friend: make everything about her
[date]
waiter: *trips and spills food everywhere*
me: *to date* this is all your fault
I’m not saying my son’s basketball team is really bad. I’m typing it.
I wanted to be Batman when I was a kid. So I kept leading my parents into dark alleys in the bad part of town.
me, at burger king: before we begin this transaction i would like to introduce you to my hamburger advisor
cashier: okay, what would you like to order?
my hamburger advisor: {whispers to me before turning to the cashier} we would like to see the hamburger first
*snorting spilled coffee grounds off the dirty floor* I DONT HAVE A PROBLEM
you ever think about how “welp” is just the modern English version of “alas”
I don’t want to alarm anyone but I’ve purchased a ukulele. Soon as I can jam, there’ll be auditions for my band behind the 7-11.
NO WEIRDOS
Only wearing tennis skirts from now on and frankly disappointed in myself for not thinking of it sooner.
*tying a ton of balloons to my neighbor’s dog* Good boy, Oliver, now take your incessant barking to the sky
10 y/o Edison: How many scientists does it take to change a light bulb?
His Dad: What’s a light bulb?
His Mom: IDFK. U tell me, Einstein.
Me (getting choked): who called it getting new tires
Guy (who is choking me): how are you breathing
Me (dying): and not a retirement plan
HR says I’m not allowed to test the bungy rope I made out of rubber bands on the intern
15: I’m starving! There’s nothing to eat. What are you having for lunch?
Me: grapes
15: Nice! We have grapes?!
Me: *sips wine* nope
my computer: consider changing your password
me: consider fighting me in the streets
Had that dream again where I was the Pied Piper…but I was playing the saxophone and all the moms in the neighborhood were following me around.
Still far too much of my kitchen cupboard space is taken up by ingredients that I needed 5g of for a recipe that I made once 9 years ago, which tasted awful.