can’t see: birdbox
can’t talk: a quiet place
can’t touch: this
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Waiter, Waiter, there’s a small slug in my salad.
I’m so sorry Sir, would you like me to bring you a bigger one?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
My favorite thing is when my husband asks me to help him cook and then ignores literally everything I suggest and doesn’t like the resulting meal 😭
People may question my parenting methods, but my kids have made it to 20 and 22 without becoming serial killers. Or, if they have, they’re super good at it. Either way.
*Friend sees my knuckle tats*
F: ‘MMA4LYFE,’ really?
*I put my fists by my English prof’s ‘OXFORDCO’ knuckle tats*
*we start break dancing*
[on the sixth question in two minutes]
4: what does “not” mean
me: I think you’re going to have to ask Alexa these questions.
4: but i’m trying to keep you busy.
Officer: “didn’t you know that sleeping in your car on the side of the road is illegal ?”
Me: “yes I did officer. But this isn’t my car”
Benefits of dating me:
1. You’re the smart one
Somebody better tell me what extortion means or I am going to start breaking kneecaps
You don’t wanna break into the zoo and steal a penguin, you don’t wanna wait in the car while *I* break into the zoo, so maybe you should just plan the date.
The person with duct tape holding most of their car together always has the right-of-way.
Nobody talks about Dumbo anymore…
He’s irrelephant
Detective: The robber broke into the Popeye’s but didn’t take any money, in fact no one has seen him leave.
Me *disguised as a cop*: Weird, right? We should put the fried chicken and red beans and rice in my Corolla for protective custody.
Executioner : Due to the power-cut we’ll be using the acoustic chair.
I contain multitudes, Elizabeth
“How often do you exercise?”
About 3 to 4 times a week.
“Be honest.”
2003.
[space mission studying behaviour of snakes on the moon]
astronaut: “we should’ve taken our own”
astronaut holding net: “just keep looking”
“How many people have you slept with?”
– Someone who wants to hear a lie
He can talk about his favourite Indian flatbread, naan-stop.
My cat knocked my phone into the toilet so now I have to shop for a new cat.
I can claim not to have a best-loved child but one of my kids just said his first favorite thing is cleaning and his second favorite is reading so you know I am lying if I deny it
I came home and my gf had laid out rose petals from the door, down the hall and into our bed. There were even rose petals in the shower, my sock drawer and my jacket pocket. And even in the medicine cabinet where my EpiPen usually is because I AM SEVERELY ALLERGIC TO ROSE PETALS
*Movie’s 10 second sex scene begins
My dad who’s been missing for 12 years: hey whatcha watchin’
I’m lazy, but not ‘The guy who named blackbirds’ lazy.
Some Very British Problems with that tedious consequence of moving house: unpacking.
Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office is in big trouble. You have my Word.
2020 is like your cat offering to “help” with your jigsaw puzzle.
I quit my job at Starbucks because of all the name-calling.
I don’t give my children “chores”. I give them “missions” and that change in the name has made my whole life easier.
My six year old just hissed at me. I’m either doing this parenting thing right, or horribly, horribly wrong.
Yoou can lead a horse to water but you need a seahorse to continue your journey