[flirting between USA and Canada]
Canadian: you’re my favourite.
American: no u.
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ME: I really love motorsport.
DATE: Do you like F1?
ME: I like all the function keys.
I hate when I give people nicknames like “stupid face” on my phone and I cant remember who the stupid face is.
Moaning “Oh God” on a Sunday morning is the closest I’ll get to church
I went to a friend’s house and she happened to have a scale so I weighed myself and guess what I don’t like that friend anymore
The rest of the year
May: Murder hornets
June: Sexual harassment spiders
July: Pedophile bears
August: Active shooter lions
September: Burglar Tigers
October: Hijacker sharks
November: Kidnapper Wolves
December: pyramid-scheme alligators
*goes down on one knee*
One Knee: I have a girlfriend
There are two types of people in this world.
1. People who have a favourite brand of water.
2. People I don’t want to kill.
6’5″ guy: [starts a fight with me at the bar]
me: [hides behind GF]
GF: HEY, WHAT THE F-
me: look, we need more strong female lead char-
In a job interview, you can always respond to an awkward question with a deep gaze and parted lips, followed by “You complete me.”
Me: *pours 3rd glass of wine at dinner*
My organs: We strike at dawn.
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
toddler: hold my cheerios
toddler: *drops cheerios*
Disgruntled werewolf repeatedly brought to the pound because hundreds of years of evolutionary missteps lead him to look like a cocker spaniel
If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they’ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.
I have the attention of a goldfish.
Seriously, it’s been watching me for hours.
“I have a pleasure room, would you like to see it?”
Him: “…That’s a refrigerator”
it was love at first sight
i remember one time i flew spirit and there was a medical emergency and the flight attendants asked if there was a doctor aboard and this old man woke up from his nap and said “ain’t no doctors flying spirit”
[morgue]
mum: [crying over my bullet ridden body] how did this happen
cop: the robber yelled “everyone be cool” so he tried to do a kickflip
Making snow angels but it’s just me rolling around in pizza cheese.
When you open your heart to someone, there is blood. Lots and lots of blood. And then you die. So don’t open your heart.
I’m not here to judge anyone’s religion. I’m here to judge their misinterpretation of it.
*smuggles cake (containing saw) into escape room*
Will I ever see the word “antipasta” on a menu and not think on dumb reflex “wow, pasta’s nemesis”
[Argument at family dinner]
Wife: *Whispers to me* Don’t start taking sides this time.
Me: Why not? *sliding roast potatoes in pocket* They’re too busy yelling to notice.
ok children, just to recap today’s lesson, let’s now repeat all the words you are not supposed to say.
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
Cop scrolling through photos on my phone: we’ve had complaints that you’re stalking…wait…these are all of me!
[a Swarm of Bees requests to be your friend] um ok
[a Swarm of Bees has invited you to event “Come Outside”] what tha
The Canadian authorities should bring in Billy Joel for questioning.
I listen to your prayers, but only to correct their grammar.