You know you’ve got a drinking problem when you’re looking at the unleaded nozzle being labeled as 15% ethanol and you’re like “same, brother”
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Jellyfish have no brains yet are capable of learning from past experiences. They will change their behavior to avoid repeating a negative event.
Meanwhile you’re sitting there texting your ex again
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
eating red meat increases your chances of dying by 13%. i now have a 113% chance of dying.
Not too proud of the sounds I just made when a mouse popped out of a bag I grabbed in the garage.
Read the tweet above this one and then the tweet below it. People paid FORTY-FIVE DOLLARS PER SHARE FOR THIS.
My town had a really bad storm 2 days ago& my neighbor lost the roof of his house& the poor guy doesn’t have insurance. I’ve decided to start a gofundme to raise $ so I can go to Hawaii for a few weeks cuz he’s about to start doing construction& I hate being around all that noise
“Eighty-seven percent of people think lasers are friggin’ awesome.” – Pew Pew Pew Research Center
I just saw a girl hang half her body out the window of her car to give someone the finger. She is my spirit animal.
[Not realizing Black Mirror episode is just stuck buffering]
“Ah yes, this is excellent social commentary”
No handshakes?! Then how am I supposed to know when the mating ritual is over?
You know what they say about a guy with big hands?
He can carry more cheeseburgers.
I don’t have any kids but I am a proud father of a food baby right now.
*Han thaws and smashes to the ground in a massive heap, after being frozen in carbonite*
Han Solo: Who are you?
Princess Leia: Someone who loves you… but let’s you thaw and smash to the ground in a massive heap after being held frozen in carbonite.
Wife: *banging on bedroom door* I know about you and the murder
Me: oh shit
Crows: *in bed with me* finally we can be together
pros and cons of being the last person alive on earth, according to my 8 year old:
con: loneliness
pro: every dog on the planet now belongs to you
I’m not saying iPhone’s are overpriced, but with the money I saved by buying an Android, I bought a Tesla, a Rolex and a trip to Hawaii.
Dating Tips
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5.Please. I am 36 and live with 2 guinea pigs.
Hungover? Hydrate. Anxious? Hydrate. Want to advance Satan’s agenda here on Earth? Hydrate.
My kids are fighting over which chores they want to do and this is one fight that I’m not breaking up.
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
In the army. One day we f***** off our CO & he made us polish our boots “like a mirror”. We had to march into his office 1 by 1 and hold our boots up for inspection. Except it was always the same pair, we just handed them to the next squaddie in the hall as we left his office.
This is amazing.
ever get so mad at your kids at walmart you grab a tennis racquet off the shelf and start spanking them with it before u realize u don’t have kids
BRAIN: here comes a compliment guys
HEART: yay!
ANXIETY: idk about this
INSECURITY: [bats it away] close one
me: i trained my dog to talk
her: let’s see
me: describe sandpaper
dog: ruff
me: the outer layer of a tree
dog: bark
her: this sucks
me: that little rapper guy
dog: bow wow
-How much for the inflatable cat?
-Sir that’s bagpipes.
just got sacked from my job at a think tank for thinking about aeroplanes
one time i slam dunked a basketball so good we were out of school for a week people just needed time to process
“Ah a delightful spring day. It reminds me of my youth spent in these hills with my parents and three older siblings. You’ll want to turn left up here but first let me tell you about the season we spent in the cabin by the creek…”
-the new GPS app from Allrecipes
Being an adult is 99% wondering how you hurt your back.