What’s the etiquette for showing up to a party you weren’t invited to? Should I bring dip or??
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Irony walks into a bar the same time as a Coincidence. The bartender asks what they want? “Not to be confused with each other.”
I love when people spend 7 minutes trying to back into a parking space just so they can leave “quicker”
Sean’s gf: I feel seen
Sean: for the last time, stop pronouncing it like that
[grocery shopping]
ME: oooh my back just cracked
5: mine too. WE’RE A CRACK FAMILY!!
OK I GOT TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS WHOLE HILLARY EMAILS THING. TURNS OUT THEYRE LIKE A FAST KIND OF MAIL THAT GOES IN THE COMPUTER.
God, designing a toddler: ya know what would be hilarious would be if it has no ability to reason but talks nonstop. Also make it trip a lot
My favorite thing about people singing happy birthday in a restaurant is when they stop.
Instead of premarital counseling, engaged couples should be required to do a premarital home renovation project.
every year i spend $1,000 on a bunch of concert tickets & i say to myself it’s ok because i don’t buy designer bags/shoes. I bet there’s someone out there walking around with a Louis Vuitton bag and Gucci shoes because they justified that they don’t go to concerts.
Ovenable?
My son is sick. His symptoms include; fever, headache, and no desire to play XBox. In other words…it’s very serious.
People who tuck their shirts into sweatpants…are you okay?
The hand doctor told me that I can no longer cook, clean, or vacuum.
Which would be amazing news if I actually did any of those things.
You’re worried about the home hairdressing? Wait till you have to resort to home dentistry.
Ad exec 1: Ok, we’ve really got to corner the market on condoms. First we name the company Trojan, you know like the Trojan horse, and then we-
Ad exec 2: Wait, wait, wait, wasn’t the whole point of the Trojan Horse to SNEAK THEM IN?
Ad exec 1: Shut up, it’s reverse psychology.
My wife is getting rid of all the clutter. If you see the kids and me standing out by the street, it means we didn’t make the cut this year.
Graduating from law school and immediately googling what can you do with a law degree
I appreciate the sun for always moving in the sky in a predictable way but I also respect the moon for just kind of doing whatever
interviewer: how did u hear about us
me: *sweating* w-with my ears
“Look, officer, I’m not being a smartass. All I’m sayin’ is if you caught me then you were speeding too”.
Does the writer who left the space blank get upset when a note is added that it was intentionally left blank?
Possible Fact: If you suffer with freezing cold hands, you are contractually obliged to test their temperature by putting them on people.
[At the Grand Canyon]
Me:
I L o v e T h i s P l a c e
[ECHO]
[ECHO]
GC: Let’s just be friends
PILOT: if you look out the window you’ll see we’re cruising at 35,000 feet
[i look out the window]
[THE SKY IS FULL OF FEET JESUS CHRIST]
Me: “hey what time do you want to eat dinner?”
Him: “I dunno, I’m not picky. 6:30, 7?”
Me, *to myself* “damn, that’s specific”
Me, into the phone, “Yes, table for two for 6:37.”
hand-to-hand combat, but its just two mimes trying to establish dominance by pushing on opposite sides of the same imaginary box’s wall
Confuse future archeologists by burying your pets in elaborate military uniforms.
Mugger: Gimme yer wallet & don’t do nuthin dumb
Me: That’s a double negative, my friend. Unlike Romance languages, English – hey, come back
eek. i forgot hvac guy was in the basement and i have been very aggressively yelling at inanimate objects.