it’s common knowledge that a house isn’t a home until there are at least five different boxes of cereal open at once
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MyChart App: You have a new message in MyChart
Email: You have a new message in MyChart
Text message: You have a new message in MyChart
Skywriter: You have a new message in MyChart
The Rosetta Stone: You have a new message in MyChart
I had a bowl of Cap’n Crunch cereal for the first time in a long time last weekend. The roof of my mouth should be healed in a few days.
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up when it’s ready.
Coworker left himself signed in to LinkedIn and now his skills include “mouth breathing”.
Oh I don’t know. I woke up 2 hours early to get some laundry done. How do you THINK IT’S GOING?
“Struggling with insomnia” sounds like you’re just trying to help insomnia put on its coat and it won’t stop waving its arms around.
If I answer my phone and you ask for me by my full name, there’s a 100% chance we’re about to be disconnected.
If you call me hysterical, you better mean funny cuz I keep my knives sharp.
I joined Twitter to have something to do while I waited for the repairman. It’s only been 3 years, he should be here any month now.
My level of hotness..
I learned to dance from watching the bears in the Charmin commercials.
I’m withholding sex from my wife right now but she won’t realize it for 6 to 8 weeks.
Cat: WHERE AM GO?
Me: uh
Cat: PLS DO NOT SAY VET
Me: well
Me: um
Cat: U HAVE BETRAYED CAT
It’s saying something when you marry Charles Manson and you look like the crazy one.
Always remember, if you ever need me, I’m just several phone calls and unread texts away.
Dentist: I would like the fish sandwich, please.
Server: Tartar sauce?
Dentist: *eyes narrow*
Buy her a new cauldron. Keep her broom in good repair. Maintain a robust collection of eye of newt.
Witches love that.
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
I like how having Piñata’s at a child’s birthday party teaches them to beat the shit out of something until they get what they want. Nice.
My 6yo set a timer so that I could have a rest after eating. When the alarm went off it was time for me to go play with him.
He set the timer for 11 seconds. Plenty of time for a rest.
I guess somewhere around the age of 12 it became my turn to go on the computer, and it still is. my turn just didn’t end. more than a decade later I’m still here, on the computer
Date: I’m totally into the Dad bod.
Me: *exhales for 3 straight minutes* That’s a relief. I’ve been sucking in since I picked you up.
“My Ex is amazing in all ways. My Ex is smarter, more successful, and more attractive than I am.”
– bumper sticker I put on my Ex’s car
Even when food is heaven on Earth
my husband adds hot sauce till it tastes like satan.
“No, YOU’VE had too much to drink!”
~Me, to this bar stool
My 4 year old just said, “if you give me gold fish this will be a lot easier for you”
Don’t you want this to be easier for you?
-Gangster – level 3
sure we’re surviving 2019
but at what cost
Make me an entire website @funTweeters!
I’ve been texting with “Isla’s mom” for 3 years. When is a good time to ask her her name?
Notice how women didn’t complain when they did an all-male version of Sex & The City called Entourage.
Cat: Meow
Me: Meow
Mom: Why do you do that?
Me: Silly, huh?
Mom: No, reckless! Do you even know what you said? What if you told him he’s fat