Groundhog is like regular hog except it’s easier to make burgers out of it.
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Many people don’t know the ceiling fan was invented when a plane crashed into a home and they just left it.
My boss got hit by a car while I was on my way to the wishing well so yes, I do have some spare change.
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
[Job Interview]
HR : What do you consider your biggest weakness?
Me : (pulls out machete) *whispers under my breath “I can’t forgive people”
If anyone wants to know how WWIII will actually start…. 🤣
fiat earther: nasa are lying to us, all of the pictures of the earth are fake
me: ok but even if that were true, why would it make the earth flat?
fiat earther: it isn’t, it’s shaped like an Italian car, didn’t you read my name?
You can also leave cabbage rolls you couldn’t finish at any fire station. Anything swaddled really.
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
Frog: WAKE ME UP!
Snake: Wake me up inside!
Me: [doing crossword] a body of water; three letters.
Wife: bay.
Me: flying insect w/ stinger; three letters.
Wife: bee.
Me: to hush someone; four letters.
Wife: shhh.
Me: boat Noah built; three letters.
Wife: ark.
Me: DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO.
Day 5 of self quarantine:
My all hamster version of The Sound of Music has hit a snag because Maria ate three of the Von Trapp children
I like men who play hard to get.
So when my Fiancé called off the wedding and started dating my Brother, I knew he was the one for me.
I think the main issue with ‘The Hunger Games’ is that while her life is at stake, boy problems are still presented as legitimate threats.
A spider so big you politely ask it to leave the premises & then sheepishly accept its refusal with all the dignity of a French surrender.
Me: Achoo!
People trying to scare me: Boo!
My bladder: I hate October.
Sunday
Customer care: Your call is important to us, please hold on.
Customer: *completes graduation* *gets a job* *gets married* *gets old* *dies*
Website: are you a robot?
Cyborg: *sweating activated*
As your goth personal trainer, I urge you to stay in shape so that you can outrun your haunted past.
When young and in college, still living at home, I invited my little sister into the room to chat while I wrapped presents. She might have lasted 2 minutes before uttering a disgusted “Give me that!” and taking over. So one year in 60 my presents have looked good.
[date]
HER: the last guy i went out with was as boring as a sack of potatoes
ME: [gets up from table] my son is a potato
nothing worse than an american ‘alcoholic’ who enters rehab because they drink in a month what a normal british person would on a two hour train journey.
It’s only a matter of time before one of you people’s tweets are used against you in a murder trial
the prime minister is a minister that is not divisible by any other minister
Credit card company called to ask about some charges on my statement.
It wasn’t a fraud check. They were just questioning my life choices.
bears
Wife: u can take Max to the park but ur not gonna wrestle other ppls dogs
Me in a spandex singlet: Im 16-0 Karen I have a title to uphold
“No new iPhone, I just wanted to talk about my feelings” – Tim Cook, hopefully
[Facepainting Booth]
Mum: Er…she wanted a butterfly…
Me: I only do toads
Mum: Well you should say that bef-
Me: *taps “TOADS ONLY” sign*
*first date*
Him: So, I’m a youth minister.
Me: Oh, cool. *googling cast of the bible* I really like…Lucifer.