*returns copy of “how to stop procrastinating” at high school reunion*
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Zombies..stay away from junk people or you’ll gain a shit-ton of weight.
So Ive started a sarcasm club.
It would mean the world to me if you joined.
In case you ever worry you spend to much money on dumb things you should know they’re still making Grey’s Anatomy
The funniest thing about being sober is someday finding out that you were the mayor of Toronto.
Police: Cover me
Rookie: ok [pulls out guitar] Every little thing she does is magic
Attempted to have a bath. I am 6’2″. The bathtub most certainly is not. I looked like a praying mantis trying to take a nap in an iPod dock.
Me: Gets something in eye
Brain: Quick stick your finger in there too
Not wasting my time reading anything an author puts in parenthesis. If it’s not good enough for the main text I don’t need it
If you take a social media break don’t announce it. Just make your last post something fun like “I wonder what would happen if I jumped this fence and try to pet these cute tigers at this zoo?”
I’ll kiss a close talker just to teach them a lesson.
‘Was that really necessary?’
~slapped newborns
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like I want to stab someone.
Therapist: That’s an action, lets focus on a feeling word.
Me: Like if I don’t get to stab someone I will be sad.
The most unrealistic element of Jurassic Park is the part where an American theme parks investors become concerned after a single worker is killed
Kid: Hey Mom.
Me: I’m asleep.
Kid: Where is the switch to the garbage disposal?
Me: I’M AWAKE.
Is it ‘My wife and I’ or ‘Me and my wife’? Anyway, we just robbed a liquor store
Lately I have the attention span of wait what
I never believed in reincarnation before but… Dad?
Hubby got all smug when our son asked him for girl advice so I confirmed that if he wants to bag a girl like me then daddy’s the man for the job and shut that shit down
People who get in loud cell phone arguments in public, everyone secretly loves you.
i will be the first to admit when something is my fault, it really undercuts the other people blaming me for things
just leave it at the foot of the bed
“I get plenty of exercise” I tell myself as I eat a banana peel because I’m too lazy to get off the sofa and throw it away
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
Waterboarding at Guantanamo Bay sounds super fun if you don’t know what either of those things are.
Me: *on the computer*
9-year-old: What are you doing?
Me: Registering you for school.
9: I thought we were friends.
Hold on I’m about to count my money. Alright I’m done.
me: *hiding from kidnapper*
kidnapper: *sneezes*
me: BLESS YOU!
Her: You’re perfect as you are, don’t ever change a thing.
[later]
Her: Er, that didn’t include your underwear…
Imagine a baby named Edith. Exactly, you can’t because everyone named Edith quietly emerged from the woods at age 78 knitting an incredibly complicated afghan.
Rival dad across the street has been getting on my nerves lately so today I’m leaving my garage doors open so his wife can see what a clean organized one looks like.