Does Rapunzel use the shampoo “Head & Shoulders, knees & Toes.”
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3: I DON’T NEED YOU!!
Me: *already booking 1 ticket to the Bahamas*
To find me during an apocalypse just look for the girl trying to finish her noodles while running
Good looking cop: do you know how fast you were going?
Me fluttering eyelashes:
How fast did you want me to be going?
*runs into a burning building to save the fire*
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
I’m so glad I had a kid so instead of relaxing in the bath, I can have someone explain Minecraft to me in painful detail.
Taught a parrot to repeatedly say “WHERE ARE YOUR GLOVES?” and now I don’t have to talk to my kids until Spring so that’s pretty cool.
Therapist: Would you use alcohol, food and sex as a means of feeling happy?
Me: Yes, thanks.
I think I just went to third base with a jelly doughnut.
[Dramatically turning from the jukebox and flipping my collar]
“May I have this dance?”
[Who Let The Dogs Out starts blaring]
I often worry about the safety of my children … Especially the one who is still awake at midnight and talking back right now.
Biden: Told Trump about Carter’s ghost in the West Wing
Obama: Carter is still alive
Biden: He doesn’t know that
the worst part about being vegan is having to get up early to milk the almonds
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself round youHer(flirting): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you were in the restroom
It was an art back in the day to be able to fit your tweet into 140 characters
Now people tweet chapters and their tweets are still a load of bollocks. See? This one is already far too long. I apologise for wasting your time and omg why are you still reading this rubbish?
inappropriate Care Bears be like:
[taking atendance]
teacher: jimmy
jimmy: here
teacher: susie
susie: here
teacher: (sighs) omnipresemt sentinel
omnipresent sentinel: always
My one neighbor just said Supposingly and my other neighbor responded with Supposably..
I’ve hid both their bodies
Coworker: how was your thanksgiving?
Me: ……….. I assume you want me to hear about yours?
On my flight today I woke up from a nap & an attendant was walking down the aisle holding a pug, saying “we found this pug. Whose pug is this??” And for 3 hours we all just took turns holding the mystery pug until a verrrry stoned man in the last row woke up & was like “Roscoe?!”
Who wants a McKnuckle sandwich?
Did you know that if you drop and break a piece of folk art, it just turns into more folk art?
Sweat pants & Uggs in public says “and I didn’t brush my teeth, either.”
Yesterday was International Day of Happiness. If you find yourself feeling happy today by mistake, don’t panic. Just focus on the news until the feeling passes.
“If you could be anyone, living or dead, who…”
Me – “dead”
Me: I prefer telling outside jokes.
Coworker: Don’t you mean inside jokes?
Me: Not to you
Nooooooooo!!!
🌴🌿🪸🍀🌳
5: daddy can I tell you a secret?
Me: sure thing buddy
5: *grabs my face and whispers* I just pooped and I didn’t wash my hands
I wear a French maid’s outfit specifically to get OUT of doing housework.
I’ve walked all over this Hobby Lobby and still haven’t found the craft beers.