[Interview for the cucumber marketing board]
Me: Can we talk about salary?
Boss: Not if you want to keep your job
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“Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs” could also describe every menu item at Olive Garden.
heat abroad: gorgeous. breezy. you feel like a glamorous italian princess standing by the coastline staring at the clear sea with the wind in your skirt
heat in the UK: you feel like a dog in a hot car. there’s no wind even with windows open. you now live in a pool of sweat
Technically, it’s only cannibalism if you eat the top half of the mermaid, your honour.
What do we want?
“A CURE FOR PASSIVE AGGRESSION”When do we want it?
“Whatever, you decide. You’re the smart one.”
Everything goes as planned when nothing’s planned.
Professor, clearing his throat:
“With the loss of cursive writing in the schools, it no longer became possible to effectively write on the snow in urine (urine being a single stream medium). Thus another level of achievement in English-speaking culture was lost forever.”
As your goth personal trainer, I urge you to stay in shape so that you can outrun your haunted past.
Me: I’ve gone my whole life without having any hearing problems.
Middle age: Hold my beer.
Me: What?
If they want to increase the use of public transit, they should start using a scale at the DMV license renewal counter.
Just ruined my dad’s night by texting pics of a bird he can’t positively ID
Queen: Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: Not exactly ON the wall
King: I said I’d do it at the weekend. Get off my back, Sandra
Note to self: do not get drunk and wear jeans that have 6 buttons.
Quarantine Day 31: I joined a Facebook group where we all pretend to be ants in an ant colony
People: cats are so detached and just do their own thing
My cats: are you getting up for 20 seconds to get a glass of water?? I’ll come with you, gonna meow the whole time, hey bud so are we going back to bed or chilling on the couch? I am gonna be a nuisance in either location
I told my husband not to get me anything for Valentine’s Day, now we wait…
My husband just said the words every woman loves to hear, “Let’s order pizza tonight.”
I’m missing the VMAs. Who’s losing? Is it music?
Me growing up, watching Trek: Transporters are so scary. They break you down at a molecular level? Creating a whole clone? No thank you
Me now: Listen, I need to skip commuting in Boston. I am begging you to disintegrate me
I’ll be so happy when 2020 is over in a few years
changed clouds to coulds and now the sky is full of possibilities
honestly this was all i could see so i drew it
wife: i think the zoo is closing.
me: pff how are they going to make us leave?
(lions roaring in the distance)
Should I shampoo my carpet before using my air conditioner?
I feel sorry for all those girls bragging that they don’t have a gag reflex. They’ll probably die choking on an Olive Garden bread stick.
I don’t need a woman to save me from my bad choices per se…but if she knows how to tie a tourniquet, that’s a plus.
Was at a political event recently (not my usual scene), MP was selling raffle tickets to support a potential parliamentary candidate.
I asked him how much they were.
He said “It’s five pound a strip”
I said “Do I get to choose the music?”
Just looked at me then walked off 🤣
Protip: Never take a screenshot with the camera sound on in the restroom at work. You will get strange looks as you exit the stall…
Have you ever listened fo someone talk for a while and wondered who helps them put their shoes on the right feet?
A word of caution from someone who took two (2) of his kids to their initial orthodontist appointments today: Before you decide that you can afford to have children, remember that children have teeth.