Dear Karma:
I don’t understand, he hasn’t been mauled by a lion yet.
XO,
Me
You Might Also Like
No sweetie, you can’t have your giant chocolate bunny for breakfast, that’s not healthy and also mommy ate it for dinner last night.
The credit card machine at the liquor store wasn’t working so I whispered to it, “Please…. my mother is at my house,” and it felt bad for me and worked!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I’m so old I thought “stfu” was a reminder to pack my “shoes, tie, fedora, underpants.”
Take me with you! I shout to every airplane that flies over my house.
If the doctor is running over 30 minutes late, they should have to tell you what was going on with their last patient that took so long. I don’t mind waiting, but give me the goss
“You’re attachment is too large,” my computer tells me.
I blush. “My eyes are up here,” I respond coyly.
Listen up, guys
Neil Diamond is the name of a famous American singer-songwriter but it’s also a checklist for anyone about to propose
Me washing dishes, wearing rubber gloves: Ouchie. 🙁 Why does the water have to get so hot
Me in the shower, turning the left tap as far as it will go: Bliss. Magic. I want to be scalded like a Christmas lobster
you know the joke for kids that goes like this?:
“what do you call an alligator in a vest?”
“an investigator.”well, i think i just wrote a new one that goes like this:
“what do you call a duck who’s a detective?”
“deductive.”BONUS: a detective IS an investigator.
With grape soda comes grape responsibility.
Me: How did the interrogation go?
Detective: The perp folded like a cheap suit.
Me, has no idea what that means: That’s great. All my suits at home are rigid by the way. Rock hard.
Someone told me carrots with dry ranch seasoning tastes like Doritos, do not tell me this pandemic didn’t mess with people’s minds. You know what tastes like Doritos? Doritos.
The NRA is pretty unhappy about the #filibuster. My thoughts and prayers are with them.
My cuz stole some money, landed in jail, wanted to fight everyone and threatened to shoot people, so that was the end of our Monopoly game.
A relationship should be 50/50.
50% man
50% bear
50% pig
TSA AGENT: take off ur shoes please
ME: [hiding counterfeit pokemon cards in my shoes] the dude in front of me said he has a grenade
“”What if – and this sounds crazy – what if we based the look on this drawing my 3 year old made?” – Design team for Kia Soul
this is awesome. I didn’t even know I had a first season. W
I enjoy quaint, old-fashioned customs like being nice to people.
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, when you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
I took a DNA test and i’m actually 17% cheddar cheese now
Husband: Why is your Facebook relationship status “it’s complicated”?
Me: …
if you have a roomba but don’t dress it up in little outfits then what are you even doing
Hug your kids as often as possible.
They can’t break your shit when you’ve got them in a full body lock
Kinda cool how they based an entire country off of Mexican food.
God: Hmm now where did I leave that fish? It couldn’t possibly have grown legs and walked away
Darwin: lol ur not gonna believe this
A game of cat and mouse, but it’s just me chasing random strangers when I see them with donut boxes.