I don’t want to brag, but January was a decent year for me
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Sorry man, I wasn’t trying to kiss you. You just had melted cheese stuck in your beard and I couldn’t help myself
Superman: I’m faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive-
Batman: I fight a penguin and this really persistent clown
Our junk drawer is so big, it starts at the front door and goes all the way to the back.
I just want to meet a man the old fashioned way: While being exchanged for livestock.
banned from the local bowling alley for softly moaning when i put my fingers in the ball
Me [coming in from walking the dog]: It’s raining bring your umbrella to the bus stop.
Child: It’s not raining.
Me: Um, yes. I was just outside.
Child: I’M LOOKING outside and it’s not raining.
Me: omg fine.
Child: [leaves]
…
…
…
Child [coming back in]: I need my umbrella.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Coffee costs less
Than a dinner for two
me: *pretending to know about vegetables to impress the cashier* corm is one of my favorite yellows
*gingerly taps banana*
So narcissistic, I crush on my alt.
Daughter’s math homework: Provide an example of
a) a real number
b) an imaginary numberDaughter:
a) the number displayed on Dad’s bathroom scale
b) the weight listed on his driver’s license
billy joel: *nervously* w-we didn’t start the fire
smokey the bear: *lowers gun* ok good
[Burying dinosaur bones]
Dog Aliens: We’ll come back for these later
Went by the house where I grew up. Asked to go in to look around, but they said no and shut the door in my face. My parents can be so rude.
What has 15 actors, 4 settings, 2 writers and 1 plot line?
632 Hallmark Christmas movies.
Signs your wife is cheating:
1. Weird cologne
2. Emotional distance
3. Late-night abences
4. She introduces you to her boyfriend
“Your dad and I are leaving for dinner now.”
Two seconds later:
Daughter keeps licking water off the shower floor, but she’s our second kid, so we let that stuff slide.
[at restaurant]
Me: “I’m so hungry I could eat a horse”Wife: “I’m the same”
Horse family at next table: *just sitting very still*
Coworker: By your age I was on my 3rd child already.
Me: Wow that’s a lot of kids to eat in a such a short period of time.
Whenever І wake up and see that someone has wrіtten a bunch of funny tweets before noon, І assume they are a mornіng drіnker.
Bank robber: everyone get down now!
me *starts dancing frantically*
The guy next to me at the airport bar, after an hour of silence, suddenly pushed back his chair, locked eyes, and said, “It’s been a goddamn pleasure making your acquaintance,” and walked out. An A+ interaction.
Russian skater just explained that he is “not a robot,” proving, of course, that he is a robot. #Olympics
Surgeon: scalpel.
[patient hands him scalpel]
Surgeon: oh shit! Lol. You’re supposed to be asleep.
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: *eating a cantaloupe like an apple* why though
I would love my job so much more if I didn’t have to hide my flask.
“Found” a nest of ground bees
and got stung multiple times.But I was able to remove all the stingers.
So yes, my pullout game is strong.
Millions stunned and blindsided to learn Tim Allen had been on a network sitcom for like the last six years or something
Be the change you want to see in the world.
*follows husband around house closing cabinet doors
*takes a long, hard drag on a candy cigarette*