Ya know how some of our grandparents are weird about not throwing food away because they grew up poor? I wonder if like 40 years from now our grandchildren are going to be like “why does Nana have 70 rolls of toilet paper at all times? She’s so weird.”
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Me:
– cures cancer
– saves endangered species
– discovers Atlantis
– solves energy crisis
– finds all missing childrenMy mom:
But did you remember to send out your thank yous? Can’t you do something about blindness? Don’t forget to call your aunt Cathy…
If you tell me to pick a side, I’m always going to choose potato salad.
Priorities: before we worry about all of this we really need to get all the child eating clowns out of the sewers.
if you find a corpse and nobody claims it in three days, well, free corpse
Our Father, who art in Heaven, Hallowed be thy name
But Imma call you “Hal” for short, ‘k, Chief?
I wish I understood computers better so I could find those cookies I’ve been accepting all these years.
I wish my seven-year-old daughter would stop using air quotes whenever she calls me “Dad.”
[Me as a zoo tour guide]
Me: On your left, we have the African Spotted Tall Bois
8 yo: Aren’t those giraf-
Me: AND ON THE RIGHT we have a Giant Leaf Raccoon
8: They’re pand-
Me: AND STRAIGHT AHEAD, you’ll see the beautiful Wild Barcodes.
8: Zeb-
Me: THIS IS A SILENT TOUR
Friend: “I just blew a speaker in my car.”
Me: “Which kind?”
Friend: “Motivational.”
*During sex*
Wife – *looking up* I thought I asked you to dust the ceiling fan.
Every parent the first time their teen drives on the freeway.
My husband sneezed and now everyone on Nextdoor is asking what that loud noise was.
If you were the birthday gift I bought my daughter 3 months ago, where would you be hiding?
Me: How much for the snake hamster?
Pet Store Clerk: That’s a ferret
Sex is great and all but finish your damn Kale!!
I love these 90-minute department meetings. It’s like a thrilling live performance of an email
America: You drive for four hours. You are still in the same part of the country.
UK: You drive for two hours. The local accent has changed twice. Bread rolls have a new name.
[camera store]
Luke: I’d like to buy a tripod.
Yoda: There are only do-pods and do-not-pods.
*Showing me a picture of your baby*
Me: Is that a dog toy in the background? What kind of dog do you have? What’s your dog’s name?
Church should be less preachy and more eat-y.
Burger King needs a new slogan. Something like “we clean our bathrooms now.”
Saw a billboard that said “anxiety? Paranoia? It could be meth.” And it’s like oh my God I’ve been on meth this whole time.
Him: How many people do you think he killed in that movie?
Me: What am I? John Wickipedia?
Him: Not funny.
The dinner I made tonight wasn’t great. Luckily it only took 2 hours to make, cost $83 in ingredients, and needed multiple pots and pans.
I thanked my husband for favoriting one of my tweets and he said: ‘Ya that was an accident.’
Reasons to keep spiders around
1. Eat flying insects
2. Occasional source of protein during sleep
3. We make rad webs
4. They do i mean they
The first person to see a sunset was probably like well this ain’t good.
Why my coworker hates me:
He sends meeting invite for 2pm.
I propose new time of 2:03.
He revises, sends update.
I decline meeting.
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery, but if I did, you’d see someone else cutting all this damn grass.
Mayo fridge always be filled with condiments