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Shhh!-Librarians arguing
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Directions: Allow food to sit for five minutes before consuming.
Me: No.
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
me: kinda feel like that’s your job buddy
The mother went through her daughter phone and the lil boy her daughter was texting just went off on the mom 😂 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
Before records were invented, people used to say: u sound like an opera singer that keeps repeating himself
*Looks left*
*Looks right*
*Crosses road*
*Gets run over by chicken*
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
I’m a model citizen, just a tiny, fake replica of an actual citizen.
6: Daddy, when did the first Thanksgiving happen?
Me: Great question! The first Thanksgiving dinner was 400 years ago–
6: –Oh, were you there?!
Me:
What if UFO’s are just Jeff Bezos type guys from other galaxies?
My wife asked what I thought of her new blouse and I used the word “slimming”, I explain to the other homeless people.
She said, “Are you even listening to me? This is important!”
I said, “I don’t know, pizza?”And that’s how the fight started
shop assistant: do you need help?
me: yah but i’ll settle for finding the vodka aisle
Joining Twitter instead of the circus was a pretty good move considering I’m a freak but not that talented
My younger daughter has been in her bedroom looking at screens the last three years and I have forgotten her first name.
When walking by the school’s lost and found area dads can’t stop themselves from saying “you wanna go shopping, get a new coat?”
[sharing a cold one with the fellas] It’s my turn to hold the penguin
Oh, you’re a witch? Name three children you’ve eaten.
Oh, you’re an early riser?
Yes.
Have kids?
No.
A farm?
No.
Insomnia?
No.
Medical condition?
No.
Psycho.
I can’t wait for this whole ordeal to be over, so my favorite pizza place can go back to rubbing their bare hands and feet all over my pizza before delivering it to me, like the good Lord intended.
Got attacked by a pigeon this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.
*pulls the dryer sheet off my pants*
Ok, weigh me now.
No parenting book or blog or sage advice warned me of having two kids in a car Rickrolling me by singing “Never gonna pick you up, never gonna drop you off” over and over on every school run
My perfect woman has the brain of Marie Curie & the body of Marilyn Monroe. This obsession with extreme memorabilia is perhaps her only flaw
Zygote that created me: I am creating the miracle of life. The human I become will achieve greatness!
Me: Hear me out….Cheeto Pop Tarts!
[Mom]: My son’s voice is changing
[Dr.]: Thats normal at his age
[Mom]: This is normal?
*fax machine noises are coming from the kid’s mouth*
My ex was saved in my phone as “the antichrist” until my children were able to read.
AI could never write that episode of Bones where the serial killer imprinted malware onto the victim’s bones, so when they got scanned in the lab the computers got a virus and set themselves on fire
One time I met a karate instructor who didn’t have a ponytail so I called the police
is the plural of judas judasses or judi