“I got kicked out of a golf tournament for heckling a player with a funny name.”
“Boo Weekley?”
“No. I yelled. Loudly.”
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(friends getting chinese noodles without you)
that’s pretty lo, mein
when your parents get a divorce you gotta figure out if pokemon mom or pokemon dad has better exclusives. lucky if you have a sibling so you can each pick one and trade
Two ill-tempered people return from a fractious trip to the grocery store, driving through an Old Testament downpour, and neither having changed the battery in the garage door opener.
Your prospects for a pleasant day are excellent because they have absorbed all the anger in…
Everyone keeps asking me if I’m okay, and I think it’s because I keep showing up to places looking like I was hit by a truck.
I threw my bra on stage at a concert once. It landed somewhere in the flute section.
United Steaks of America
HER: what’s with all the finger pointing
ME [sharpening my other pinky]: tradition
Told my 10 y/o daughter that even though I got a big promotion at work my most important job is still just being her dad and she said, “that’s nice” and asked me to get her a glass of water.
Me: Bob, it’s pronounced CHANGING, not a-changin’.
Bob Dylan: ?
Me: Can someone teach Bob to say CHANGE?
*David Bowie stands up*
Me: Not you
I’ll climb down out of this tree when people stop referring to common sense as a life hack
i cared about something once— must have been a glitch in the mehtrix
ATTORNEY: What were you doing the night of the murder?
ME: Not murdering.
ATTORNEY: But where were you?
ME: {sweating} The not murder store.
I’m not a religious person but I am thankful that God didn’t make spiders that fly.
Anxiety: get ready
Me: for what?
Anxiety: Get ready.
Me: For what?
Anxiety: GET READY!!!!!!!!!
Me: Gah! FOR WHAT?
why are they called stepfathers and not faux pas
I took a test to see if I have multiple personalities. I scored 100%, 92%, and 88%.
ME [about to be murdered at work]: haha this is a no kill shelter
GRIM REAPER: well shit
Gonna install a mirror inside my fridge so that every time I open it to look for a snack, it’s always there.
“There’s nothing wrong with being single.”
No.
“I’ve got plenty of time.”
Sure.
“I’m not lonely.”
Sir, are you going to buy anything?
I’m not very good at makeup because I naturally have bad handwriting and it just translates to my face
Thanks for saying ‘on your mobile’ in your bio, for a moment I thought you might be tweeting like me, from a calculator in the psych ward
Jim is short for Jimberly. The short form for James is obviously Jam
1) Jumped out of bed
2) Cooked breakfast
3) Ran 6 miles
4) Worked out
5) Started lying compulsively
The secret to fluffy pancakes is gently folding the souls of people who annoy you into the batter.
Not wearing glasses anymore. I’ve seen enough
My retirement plan is to become a cat.
hey can I use your bathroom?
cashier: only paying customers
jesus…ok just give me 9 double whoppers with cheese, a chocolate shake, 2-
Thank goodness it’s open for most of Octermeber
Wife: can you watch our daughter while I take a nap
Me: sure
Wife: don’t go outside it’s too cold
Me: I’m not an idiot
[10 minutes later]