ME: excuse me did you say this was non-GMO
WAITER: yes that’s right
ME: [pointing to my alphabet soup] there’s like a dozen of them in there
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A lollipop is like a normal lipop but it laughs a lot.
Sorry.
Ever send the wrong emoji and end up with a wife and 2 kids.
It’s so considerate of drug dealers to make the Police’s job so much easier, by always dressing just like drug dealers
8 yr old: Mom, what do you want to be?
Me: Single, living in Bahamas, no kids, maybe operate a little dive shop, driv–
8: I mean for Halloween
Me: Oh, I don’t know I haven’t really thought about it
When we first started dating, I admitted to my husband that I was a bad driver. He said “That’s nothing, I saw a crazy lady run an 18-wheeler off the road yesterday. Poor guy was struggling for his life trying to keep the rig from flipping over.” It was me. I was the crazy lady.
People who look pretty & put together at the airport, how dare you?
[First day at the fortune cookie factory]
Me: Boss, I got this order for 10k cookies boxed and ready to go.
Boss: That’s Incredible, it’s normally a week long job!
Me: Yeah, I worked real hard because you left me all these inspirational little notes.
[My Last day at the factory]
A friend asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.
My response: Oh, about 20 minutes.
Friend: I got an audition for the play that cannot be named
Me: *Nodding* Fight Club
I think my favorite sammich is ice cream
I peel my underwear off as you watch me & then hand it to you,
Smiling
You know what’s coming next..
It’s your turn to do the laundry
I used to be God’s gift to women but now I’m God’s gift to the clickbait advertising industry.
A car almost ran into me and I screamed “WOAHHHHHH THERE BUCKAROO”
I could have died and those would have been my last words
Toddler cupping his hands around my ear: Pss shh tsk whhh shiii pstsh tssskp.
Me: You know whispering is still saying real words, but just really quietly, right?
*taps on your head*
“Is this think on?”
My kids tell me I drink too much.
It’s funny they don’t make the connection.
A Mexican stand-off, but it’s 3 Canadians each trying to pay the bill and they all have to pee
Daughter: Alexa play Let it Go.
Me: when I was your age I had to call the radio station, wait on hold for 30 mins to request a song, then sit by my boom box for an hour with a blank cassette tape for my song to play so I could record it.
Daughter: I don’t know what that means.
You could replace the zombies on Walking Dead with huggers and it’d be the same scary show.
[First date]
HER: When I find someone attractive, my voice goes all high-pitched, I can’t help it!ME: Aw that’s kind of cute though
HER [Batman voice] thanks
THEM: You are not alone.
ME: How dare you? I worked hard for this.
‘Let’s just agree to disagree.’
-Me, saying grace at the dinner table.
Why isn’t a fleet of helicopters just called hellacopters.
“Real men like a woman with curves” – Fat Chicks
spicy snake
[Eating]
Waiter: How’s the meal?
Me: I dunno. Let me check
*pulls out phone
Me: Not good. It only got 2 likes on Instagram
Waiter: …
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
When I’m bored on a plane, I pull a random machine part out of my pocket and ask the person next to me “Do you know where this came from?”
I wish No More Tangles shampoo would work on Christmas lights.
Diary
June 28 1954
So it turns out my weakness is kryptonite. I can’t tell anybody this.June 30 1954
I accidentally told Lex. Should be ok