Kid 1: *crying bc sunscreen is in his eye*
Kid 2: *crying bc she has sand in her hair*
Kid 3: *crying bc flies are biting her*
Me: Alright, kids, I think it’s time we leave the beach.
Also kids: ALREADY?!?
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I’m happy with it shorter, the ladies seem to like it that way.
-me to my barber
2019: the floor is lava
2020: literally don’t touch anything
My 2yo was running an ice cream parlor out of his bedroom. I ordered chocolate but he insisted I get strawberry. After I paid he snatched the ice cream back and then ate it, not once breaking eye contact.
He’s going to be a terrible business owner.
But an incredible mob boss.
I’m not a narcissist.
But If I was, I would be the best one there ever was.
I won’t take any criticism on this
her: I don’t usually attend funerals because everyone cries so much
me: *points at coffin* well not everyone
I’m at the age where drinking a cup of coffee now makes me feel like Popeye scarfing down a can of spinach.
friend: how’s the amazon job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
Me: puts butter on banana bread
Also me: blames weight on aging
Wife to 4yo: How did you get your shirt so dirty?!
4yo: Because lunch.
Rock of ages, but it’s just Dwayne Johnson showing me his childhood photo album.
Kids: Yay! We have a 4 day weekend!
Me: *drinks wine straight from bottle*
If you are reading this then you are reading this
I almost wish the guy I’m stalking would find me and call the cops. These bushes are scratchy and my legs are cramping.
I’m sick of men’s 3-in-1 body wash shampoo and conditioner. Throw toothpaste in there.
inventor of rice krispies: but what if our food tried to get away
“SELF CARE!” I scream as my trench coat full of monkeys scurries toward everyone’s wallets and watches.
My lighter has two settings:
1: Spark, spark, spark
2: No left eyebrow
Brain: No.
Me: …
Brain: Really.
Me: …
Brain: Don’t do it.
Me: …
Brain: Keep your mouth sh-“Honey, you’re wrong.”
Brain: I give up.
Do you really think cats would have anything to do with us if they could open cans of cat food by themselves?
Who called it a “backpack” and not, “the sexiest way to deliver bees to an ex.”
imagine bumping into someone on the street and all the money in ur checking account flies out of ur body and litters the ground disappearing after mere seconds never to return. this is what life is like for sonic the hedgehog every day
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
A Girl Scout made headlines when she sold cookies outside a Colorado pot shop. There’s no word on how she plans to spend her first million.
I’m watching a lot of videos about ancient Rome and one thing that kills me every time is one historical figure getting mad at another and having to sustain that anger for several months as they travel across Italy to confront them
Me: Please bring me a screwdriver.
Him: Flat head, Phillips, or Vodka?
And that was when I knew he was the one.
maybe its the cursed amulet talking, but [thousands of locusts fly from my mouth and form a living treasure map on the ceiling]
[stranded on Mars journal]
day 1: rob and I have enough oatmeal to last us 300 days
day 2: I ate rob
Everyone at this whistling convention looks extremely suspicious.
*raises visor on knight helmet* Define “silly purchases,” Cheryl
His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy. There’s vomit on his sweater already. WebMD: TYPHOID FEVER