PARENTING TIP: Never, at any time or under any circumstance, say yes.
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911: 911
me: I think my smoke detector is broken
911: is there smoke?
me: how would I know?
911:
me: 911 how would I know?
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
What if this “alert” was just Americans being called in from recess?
Enough of your nonsense, nap time.
date: are you looking for love?
me: [peering over top of menu] no they only do pretzels
By the end of shelter at home, my house will be spotless. Oh sure, I’ll be drunk and confused, but so will the germs.
It’s not illegal to tell a ghost story when a cop shines a flashlight in your face
My identical twin is insufferable. He manages to look ten years younger than me due to a superior moisturising regimen. He’s really rubbing it in.
If I was Snow White you’d never be able to kill me with an apple…you’d have to poison an eclair or something…
I’m a creative speller thus no typos, just art.
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
My apathy is at an all time whatever.
If you are going to call something super, it better have a cape. I’m looking at you, tampons.
Just shooed that big green raccoon out of my garbage can again. Man, he’s grouchy.
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
Having an older dog means ten seconds after you drop a piece of food, you have to drop an even bigger piece of food so they can find it.
When I was a kid, dad would say ‘I’d give that a minute’ as he emerged from the bathroom after a heavy night on the beer.
I vowed I’d never be that crass with my kids, so I don’t give them any such warning.
Me: my imposter syndrome is pretty bad. I feel like I don’t deserve to be here, I’m not good enough
Satan: what
No one:
Me: Is my body still under warranty?
My aunt: [to my kid] You’ve gotten so big!
Me, quietly to myself: don’t say it, don’t say it, don’t say it…
My kid: So have you!
Me: There it is
Just saw a man wearing a pager. Apparently, he’s expecting a very important call from someone in 1994.
[holding the door open for a pretty woman]
Her: *smiling* Thank you, gallant sir
Me: *blushing* I aim to please
Wife: *withering* Honey, we’ve shared a bathroom for 18 years, he aims for the floor
M: I despise you
The digits of your phone number tell you what you need in that order:
1. Booze
2. Drugs
3. Wealth
4. Popularity
5. Health
6. Jesus
7. We’ve been through this before
8. You know where I’m going with this?
9. Well then, let me remind you.
0. You’re.. An.. Say it with me.. Idiot..
Haiku is simple.
But not for my dog Buddy.
He sucks at counting.
I jump out in front of you and open my trenchcoat, but I’m fully clothed. I start showing you the kittens I keep in the pockets. Are they wearing their own tiny raincoats? Heck yeah they are
8-year-old: I upgraded my blanket fort.
Me: It looks the same as before.
8: I added more snacks.
Finally, some meaningful renovations.
I use my oven like my grandmother uses her cell phone – sparingly and confusedly.
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
by this time next year, Ariana Grande’s eyelashes will be so long that male peacocks will challenge her for dominance
You know you’re getting old when your decision to sleep with someone is mostly based on the quality of their mattress and pillows.