@XplodingUnicorn LOOK WHAT ARRIVED TODAY!!! SO EXCITED!!! *Dances in place*.. 😊💃
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Aging gracefully is like getting steamrolled gracefully, you should really be screaming
Oh Magic 8-Ball, will anyone ever love me?
Date *sitting on couch* I love scary movies
Me: ok but this is pretty dark, it’s about a boy plagued by haunted dolls
Date: Sounds good!
Me: The cowboy one is called Woody
*Cleans glasses*
“Omg I have a cat?”
Sorry. Not sorry
Went on blind date, woke up in bathtub with kidney gone. 6 out of 10, would date again.
By age 30, most men have found that one special hairstyle they want to spend the rest of their life with.
I accidental typed sinroof instead of sunroof and I may have just invented the greatest thing ever.
The way to a man’s heart is thru his stomach. At least that’s what the crazy woman with the butcher knife kept saying at the murder scene.
I promised my trainer that I’d set a gym schedule I would commit to regularly. So, now every time there’s a lunar eclipse I work out.
I swear i’m surrounded by idiots… no one even understood me when i said “to all intense and porpoises.”
Gaslighting one person isn’t enough. I’m scheduling a town hall meeting.
What do best men at weddings in France do?
Making French toasts!
#FrenchToastDay #MondayMorning #RubbishJokes
I heard a noise downstairs, so naturally I came down to investigate in my towel, post-shower.
Exactly. I’M the idiot in a slasher film.
Boss – can you pass a piss test?
Me – Sure…distance or accuracy?
I don’t know why Shark Tank rejected my Snore Stopper Pillow.
Who called it a witches’ coven and not a hex trafficking ring?
Mom always said to wear clean underwear in case I got hit by a bus and I’m like “they wouldn’t be clean anyway mom!”
“Wow, it smells like *sniff* wait what the?”
*Rips blind fold off and sees house burning down*
“Omg!”
Narrator: The power of Febreeze
Person: Hi, my name is *my brain plays 3 seconds of air horn*
Me: I’m sorry, what was that?
Person: I’m *air horn*
Me: Again?
Person:
Life is too short beautiful and unpredictable to not tell people how you really feel
Her: That’s so sweet, I-
Green Day is overrated
Her:
I asked my 13-year-old what time I need to pick her up tonight. She told me to check the practice schedule she already gave me. That’s the kid version of “as per my last email.”
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself five years from now?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
*waters flowers*
*flowers die**sprays weeds with poison*
*weeds mutate, quadruple in size, grow 3 heads, and start speaking in tongues*
The toughest part of dating a doctor would be how they’re always 45 mins late for dates because the 7 dates they had before yours went long.
The adult life I imagined as a child involved less laundry and more group dance numbers.
This is up on a telephone pole in south Minneapolis and I am dissolved in laughter:
Of course I will guard your Easter basket from any pillaging by your sisters. Bring it here, honey.
trying a new Pudding recipe:
– Milk
– Eggs
– Proof
– Butter