I wish I could lose weight as easily as I lose my glasses
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My dog is doing Saturday right by staying in bed until 1pm and shooting me a disapproving look every time my chores wake him up.
As everyone was arguing about politics, no one saw me leave with the pecan pie.
Explained occurrences: redditor runs into daylight savings time
Jesus: a 13th disciple? I don’t recall having seen you before, my friend
Disciple: I’m not a duck disguised as a man, if that’s what you’re thinking. Now tell me more about your body being made of bread
accidentally vacuumed up my air guitar
*guy shows me his Chinese character tattoo*
“It means wisdom”*I show him a Batman BandAid on my arm*
“It means I was brave at the doctor”
“Quick kid I don’t have much time. In 2020 they will release a super virus in a strategic attempt to wipe ou-“
None of the parenting books prepared me for my teen asking me what “the carpet matches the drapes” means.
The only thing I miss about going to the movies is smuggling in an entire 4 course meal
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
I hate it when I’m by the window and make eye contact with someone outside, so I understand why this lady is shocked to see me up a tree.
Netflix an..holy shit! How’d you get your pants off that fast?
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One Oscars rule that I have is when you say “TO MY PARENTS UP THERE”, you should have to clarify whether they are dead or in the balcony
911: What’s your emergency?
[sounds of struggling and growling]
911: Hello?!
Me: I OFFERED THIS RACCOON MY SANDWICH BUT I CHANGED MY MIND
Next time during church, stand up and ask your pastor “Have you ever turned down heroin?” Both Yes and No are equally entertaining answers.
I don’t sit crossed legged to be classy, I’m holding my tampon in
MOB BOSS: It has come to my attention that within this very room, we have a SNITCH
HARRY POTTER: Oh hell yeah I’ll get it
Ok you with pneumonia, go sit between the perfectly healthy lady and the guy with the blood shooting out of his leg
and wait.
-hospitals
Pretty sure “see less from” is to Facebook what “close door” is to an elevator
Had salad for the third night in a row and now I get why you’re so angry, vegans
Inventor of the ceiling fan: It has two speeds: off and Mach 2
Friend: What?
Inventor: There’s also a switch on it so no one will know which way it’s supposed to turn
Friend: Who hurt you?
An OnlyFans but for bedtime stories.
If dogs can eat raw chicken, so can I.
– dead people
A rap song where I’m just telling my dog about my day & I keep rhyming with “treats” so he stays interested.
Monday: *exists*
Me: I didn’t agree to any of this.
The problem with rich people is you’re not one of them.
When you die, you can now have your remains scattered by drone across the UK. It helps if you’re cremated, but it’s not as funny
I love giving a little kid the tongue, and then watching him run to his mother holding the severed tongue I just gave him.
Me: School is delayed. There’s too much ice.
5-year-old: *whispering* Thanks, Elsa.