quick how do i lose 15lbs in a month without changing a single thing
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The best things about being a liar are my insane body, perfect skin and being a billionaire
So Mother Theresa puts a dish towel on her head and she’s a “saint” but when I put a dish towel on MY head I’m “drunk in the kitchen again?”
My wife said she for Lent she was giving up eating meat. I thought she did that after the wedding vows.
wat abot when ther was only 1 set of footprints
“thats when i carried u”
wat abot when the fotprints went in the ocean
“i tried to drown u”
Them: Question everything.
Me: Why?
waiter: what would you like?
me: maybe the steak
waiter: and what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have the steak too
Just thought I’d let everybody know that
I passed my paintball exam…with flying colors…
Always be yourself.
Unless you’re Monday. Monday, how about you try being like Friday for once!
*gets hungry*
*bakes kale chips for a snack because diet*
*eats six cookies while waiting for kale chips because hungry*
You’re not alone. You have an ecosystem of microorganisms on your skin.
STUDENT: Is there anything I can do to get my grade up?
TEACHER: {biting lip} There may be one thing.
ME: {sitting on couch mouthful of popcorn} Make him retake the class!
*hands cashier $100 bill
“Ya have anything smaller?”
*crumbles up $100 bill and hands it to cashier
me: I’m becoming very forgetful lately
doctor: can you give me an example
me: of what
Judge: Guilty
Me: Sayyoudidwhat.
Judge: What did you say?
Me: Judge? Did you just reverse my sentence?
*Stage dives into cheering jury*
Both sides are the wrong side of the bed when you don’t wanna get up
Marriage: an institution where having to slightly adjust your mirrors every time you get in your car puts you in a homicidal rage.
“I can’t feel my legs”
–mermaids
Banished to the “quiet room” in church because the toddler shushed the pastor. Our family history of skepticism remains strong.
*yawning at an art museum*
“I already saw that on Tumblr.”
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that when the crops fail a human sacrifice is required
[restaurant]
Waiter: Chicken?
Me: No I’ll fight you RIGHT NOW
Imagine falling in love with somebody and finding out they’re uncomfortable making the sex in an abandoned mannequin factory.
Me when I get ten emails in a minute at work
The lady next to me on this plane thinks I’m in her seat, she keeps asking what my ticket says.
Looks like we have a big problem, cause my ticket doesn’t talk.
Statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a vending machine than a shark. But here at SharkVend™, we think we may have found a way to even those odds.
Has anyone tried cutting the pandemic with a knife to make sure it isn’t actually an illusion cake?
[in a bar]
Him: Trouble is my middle name.
Me: wow… That’s a stupid middle name. You must hate your parents.Him: *breaks down crying
Today is the day I go back to the gym.
Tomorrow is when I stop telling lies.