popcorn, or as cerebral smart minds such as myself refer to it ‘popped corn’, is the number #1 food of watching things
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I may not look good naked, but I’m a beautiful person on the insi….
Hahahaha just kidding
I look great naked
“Why don’t you cool it on the dressmaking,” I suggested to my wife. “You seamstressed.”
Doctor: Any food allergies?
Patient: Sometimes dairy products disagree with me
Carton of milk: That’s not true
If you`re not going to help me break into my ex`s house to delete the hysterical message i left on his answerphone,then you`re not my friend
Wife must be planning to paint the house. I found plastic & tape under our bed. Not sure what the shovel & pistol are for.
Sometimes I’m playing a dangerous game like Halo & people ask if I get scared but honestly no, your training just takes over
James Bond: Do you expect me to talk?
Therapist: That is how these things usually work.
Digital security in Ancient Troy
Just because you can eat everything at the “all you can eat buffet”, doesn’t mean you should. I know this now.
[first date]
Him: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a meteorologist.
Him: Cool. I love meat.
jane austen understood that nothing is sexier than standing seven feet away from someone, making brief eye contact, and then going home
Am not being sponsored to say this but if anyone is looking for a way to make swallowing food easier, try using “Teeth”. I recently began using teeth while eating and it’s reduced the number of Heimlich manoeuvres I receive per month by over 94% 👍
Her: What are you thinking about right now?
Me: If I was an eel I’d have a little fish that lived in my mouth and I’d never need to floss
Gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste!
Frodo: sweet he’s gonna do that the whole way right?
Gandalf:
Frodo: Gandalf tell me we’re riding this horse the whole way
Gandalf: on an unrelated note how many shoes did you pack?
I made some Disney valentines. Please enjoy and share.
Me, on the phone, in the middle of a story –
my dad: “All right, here’s your mother”
i dont care if people dislike me, but if a pet ignores me, i will hit them up nonstop & keep changing my look drastically until they love me
NASA CHIEF: No I said make a TIME machine.
ME: Oh that makes much more sense.
[Thousands of Tims nod in unison]
One time, I broke my iPhone
and for 2 days I had to tweet from my Macbook like a God-dammed homeless personI don’t like to talk about it
If Kim Kardashian & Snooki were drowning & I could only save one, I’d have a hard time deciding whether to make a sandwich or take a nap.
“Say no to Lindsay Lohan.” – drugs.
Did you know that the sound of fallen leaves scattering across the pavement in the wind sounds just like someone running up behind you in the dark?
Did you also know I can run 83 mph?
3 is yelling at baby for rolling off her mat and she’s responding by screaming at him and I’m so glad I followed everyone’s advice and had a second kid so they could entertain each other.
I pet my dog and she started to purr. Thought I should lay off the drugs until I realized the cat was sitting behind her.
ME: Do you believe in ghosts?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: A ghost just spent $600 on a new home surround sound system.
My husband and I have never had couples counseling, but we once had a third person help guide us out of a tight parking spot. Saved our marriage.
At my age, a new driver’s license doesn’t have an Expires On date. It has a Renew If You Haven’t Expired On date.
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
5 year old: Does ‘Cupid’ mean ‘cute’ and ‘stupid’?
Me: It does now.
A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter.
How dairy