*while scrolling Facebook
I’m so glad Congress is going to make Facebook protect my data!
*clicks on “What Harry Potter character is your social security number?”
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No one ever seems to break their legs when they drop from a portal in the sky.
Her: We need to talk.
*vultures begin circling over me*
(Extreme Depeche Mode voice): It’s a lot. It’s a lot. It’s a lot…seriously. it’s a parking lot.
Wile E Coyote: I like my dinner on the run if you know what I mean
*pulls up to the Taco Bell window*
“You’re sure that’s the right word?”
“Like, 80% sure, yeah.”
“Print it.”
Snoop Dogg; Shake what’cha momma gave you.
Me; Ummm… ok.
<vigorously shakes a frozen lasagna>
“How’d ya get that bruise on your cheek?”
*remembers dropping her phone on her face in bed*
Me: Street Fight
“I’m going to show off my new belt by tucking in my T-shirt” -Men over 50.
I don’t know I guess I always thought Spock would’ve had more ear hair sorry to get political
“Steak and Shake” great burgers and also a good way to kill baby vampires.
Got kicked out of the gym for setting off the smoke alarm while running in my corduroy shorts.
Hey girl are you the supply chain? Because despite extensive explanations I do not understand what is wrong with you
You know your exes are too similar to each other when four of them get mad about the same tweet
why steal office supplies from work when you could take an extra long bathroom break and steal company time instead
2016 took so many beautiful, talented men I’ve loved my entire life. Seems unfair that I still have to dodge my ex at the grocery store.
Me: *being romantic* Take you to clouds and leave you among the stars.
Her: okay, but can we finish the laundry first?
Friend: congrats on the engagement! Do you have a date?
Me: I was just gonna bring my fiancée
Why yes, I do live under a rock. It’s called the moon.
Person: Hi, my name is *my brain plays 3 seconds of air horn*
Me: I’m sorry, what was that?
Person: I’m *air horn*
Me: Again?
Person:
I told my toddler that I loved her and she blew raspberries at me. Not quite the response I’d expected.
everything in the world’s horrible now not like the good old days of black plague, holocaust, atomic bombs, holodomor, khmer rouge, crusades
HER: let’s be open about how we really feel. I’ll go first I love you.
ME: Ok well… I really, really, don’t want Naruto to end
HER: wtf?
Robber: I’ll harm you if you don’t answer my questions correctly
Me: oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Me: Over there
Robber: Where’s the key?
Me: In that drawer
Robber: What day is it?
Me: oh no
Some people are like a ray of spray tan.
*Bites lower lip*
“So this is an abduction then?”
Cop: “Stop that. You’re under arrest.”
(drops a Cheetoh on the ground)
ants: seize him
May just keep repeating the phrase “YOU DO YOU” to my coworkers until one of them sucker punches me.
I remember when people had the common decency to not look at you while you’re staring at them.
Step outside your comfort zone to plan a play date for your kid with a parent you’ve never met before and endure an hour of small talk in 40 degree weather (because indoor play dates are too risky) only to have your kid ask “and now what?” the second they get back home.