Sex is like tacos. I wish I was having some now.
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I just ran into my high school bully and it was great cause I’m doing well and he’s 17 which is very old for a dog
If you feel trapped in your body with no way out, just think about that guy in the middle of a conga line.
A smart woman knows when to give up and walk away
A southern woman has a shotgun and a shovel named give up and walk away
if umpires are supposed to be so decisive then they should just be called pires
Imagine if you killed a shark then got reincarnated as a shark but the shark you killed was really popular & all the sharks knew it was you.
On our way back from hotel pool, door card doesn’t work. Francophone BF heads to reception to get new card and returns.
Him: Wow, there was a huge line up at reception but when I told them I had a wet girlfriend waiting at the door they all let me in..
I just made the PERFECT phone call!
My parents didn’t answer.
*In the elevator*
Guy: Good morning ladies. You two going down?
Me: No. We’re just friends
Guy: ….
I just found my new favorite conspiracy theory …
He died doing what he loved, forgetting to put my potato wedges in the bag.
Jim is short for Jimberly. The short form for James is obviously Jam
My 4-year-old has a tummyache and before she went to bed she asked how you get the egg out of your body, so that’s how I found out she’s spent her whole life thinking we get tummyeggs when we don’t feel well.
Billion dollar technology idea:
A printer that works
Wanted:
Someone to chew my food and feed me like a baby bird. No weirdos.
Me: [I run into the break room at work] You! You have summoned me! I am here.
Coworker: What?
Me: You just summoned me. I heard you.
Coworker: I opened a can of Spaghettios.
Me: Yes.
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
It’s funny how we all sleep differently. I sleep on my side My roommate sleeps on his back. My ex sleeps with everybody. That sort of thing
I’ve been in Hawaii for a week & have learned that 99% of life’s problems can be solved by throwing a coconut at it
At his funeral. I lay my hand on your shoulder. I apply pressure, gently, in an attempt to move you from in front of the snack table.
[at my funeral]
puppeteer looks over at my wife: I’m so sorry, it was in his will
[i sit up in the casket]
I just read a story about someone finding a dead body at a Walmart. HOW EMBARRASING, I’d never be caught dead at a Walmart.
7YO changed her favorite princess to Anna and now my four year investment in Elsa is worth diddly-squat
Added my sticker to the family on the back of your van I am in your family now you have to bring me to costco every time you go.
A great way to grow your account is to run your phone through a paper shredder.
I can’t get the cork off my dinner.
Toddler: I don’t like you. *hits*
Adult: I don’t like you. *tracks your movements for the rest of your life*
*Buys sugar-free cereal.
**Puts sugar on it.
Check out @funTweeters. Laughing until I was crying!