I’d remove my mittens to text you back, baby
-Canadians flirting
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My workout was getting me down so i filled my Swiss ball with helium
My dog after a walk in the woods.
[cabin rentals]
DESK CLERK: You want cabin #5 or #6?
ME: What’s the difference?
DESK CLERK: Mostly just the names.
ME: What’s #5 called?
DESK CLERK: “Eden in the Woods.”
ME: And, #6?
DESK CLERK: “The Bear’s Lunchbox.”
ME: I think #5.
DESK CLERK: Smart choice.
If you are going to microwave your steak in a cast iron skillet, make sure you season the skillet by running it through the dishwasher at least 3 times
frog: kiss me, I’m a prince
her: ew gross
frog: you have a problem with frogs?
her: no, with the monarchy
speed dating but it’s just me changing tables at a restaurant every few minutes trying a bite of everyone’s food
Thinking about the time I invited a date over for a BBQ & asked him to pass me the hot dog knife so I could pry hot dogs out of the package. He stopped & said “Hot dog knife?” At which point, I realized other people did not have designated hot dog knives. There was no 2nd date.
Wife: [eats hotdog, spills mustard & relish on her blouse]
Me: HELLO TEMPTRESS
Don’t leave me hanging, Larry
I’m so angry right now that I could strategically throw my phone at a safe spot on the couch.
If you’ve seen one lion attack you’ve seen a maul
Friend: “Send me that picture we took last night, we probably look so good!”
The picture:
I can’t believe one of you losers hasn’t married me yet
“Michael just bought a popcorn popper. You know what he probably wants to buy next? *Another* popcorn popper.”
-Amazon suggestions logic
The last time I danced in public people gave me money to find a cure.
Friend: when you first meet, tell her she looks prettier in person
Me: ok
[Later]
Her: Hi!
Me: Hi you look uglier online
“You can’t build your own man.” They told me. But they underestimate my low standards. And my shopping cart full of luncheon meats.
Take your age and add 5 years to it.
That is your age in 5 years.
WIFE: Just face it, it’s a lost cause
WILE E COYOTE: *sifting through Acme bills* You could be a little more supportive, Janet
I slid my foot into my slipper in the dark this morning and there was a sock laying on it. Let’s just say I didn’t know it was a sock, and I’m happy to report I’ve set a new long jump world record.
Are we sure this new planet isn’t just Pluto wearing a wig?
I’m currently in between meals and not very happy about it
they should put mayonnaise in a spray bottle and called it sprayonnaise. lol the government allows me to vote
Obama: Hello Amer-
*feels a tug on his suit coat*
What Joe??
Biden: What color should the lion be?
Yellow.
Biden: I’m using green. *giggles*
WHAT I SAY: that’s one way of looking at it
WHAT I MEAN: in the history of stupid things said by stupid people, what just came out of your mouth is, by far, the stupidest. If there were stupidity trophies, yours would be gold plated and set atop a plinth reading STUPID.
I shouldn’t have to go to work if it’s rainy. i should get to stare out the window all day like a cat.
Before kids: I’m going to age like fine wine.
After kids: I’m aging like cheese. Left outside.
There are two types of people in this world: those who finish things