If you have ever spent an hour on Twitter then you understand why there’s such an urgency to create Artificial Intelligence.
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I’m always behind the person at McDonald’s who acts like they’ve never seen the menu in their life
8: If I promise to be super super good all the way until I’m 10, can I get a phone for my 10th birthday?
Me: Ok. Can you put your lunch box away?
8: Nah, I’m kinda busy.
Me: I thought you were going to be super super good?
8: Yeah, I’m starting that when I’m 9.
Was your teacher drunk when he made your multiple choice test?
1) Yes
Δ) No
%) I love you guys
M) 8
•) Potato
*pushes you to the couch and latches on*
I’m a koala, and you’re my eucalyptus tree.
*pretends to eat your hair*
I’ve hired a circus clown for my funeral.
Not for any of that celebrate my life bullshit, just to sit silently at the back to freak my family out.
Mugger: Give me your wallet and… is that a Rolex?
Me: It’s a fake.
Mugger: What about her diamond ring. Is that fake?
Me: *nervously look at my wife* No, no. That’s 100% real…
Not to spoil the eclipse for y’all but Bella chooses Edward lol
What a website
*sneaks condoms into the carts of fighting couples at the drug store
If you ever want to defeat your enemy in battle, just throw a waterlogged nerf football at their head.
I’m in the South. I’m the only one who ordered vegetables with my dinner.
An octopus can get so stressed
out – it will actually eat itself.Octopuses call that “leg day.”
Ghosting my landlord by hiding in the walls and haunting the property when he tries to have someone else move in
Thought I had outsmarted my kid and his friend by telling them the baby monitor was a walkie talkie so I could keep an ear on them… and then the snack requests started.
WAITRESS: Would you like to try a quesadilla?
ME: I can barely eat one dilla, let alone a whole case.
Me: [trying to put on pants]
Apple Watch: Would you like to log this workout?
“caramelized” is just a word chefs use if they burn things
caramelized onion
caramelized apple
caramelized todd from HR who tried to diss me
Apparently, my superpower is being invisible to bartenders.
I’ve just realised that Ryan Reynolds and Ryan Gosling are two different people.
I can’t tell if a family in a movie is happy unless the kids are waking up their parents by jumping onto their bed and yelling about pancakes
[dropping kids off at school]
ME: Ok, learn a lot today
KIDS: But school doesn’t start for another week
ME: *speeding off* GOOD LUCK
1. have a child
2. never mention it on facebook
3. dress it in old-timey clothes and have it stand in the background of all your photos
I don’t know why I would ever look to Google for reassurance when it keeps me well-fed with headlines like, “The No. 1 Sign There’s a Snake in Your Car”
Doctor: You have bronchitis
Me: OMG I’ve always wanted a dinosaur!What do I feed it?
Beauty & the Beast 2 is just 90 minutes of Belle and the prince shopping for new furniture after it all turned back into people.
A couple of weeks ago we had an icebreaker during my graduate seminar and the question was “What is your irrational fear?” My answer was “hammerhead sharks”. And today in class I walked in and saw this:
[stunned, eyes lock, a smile exchanged, and I knew it was kismet]
*hands cash to lady
Ma’am my baby isn’t for sale.
I SAID I’LL TAKE TWO!!
A relationship so stable you can buy concert tickets 4 months in advance >>
Hasbulla scolds a kid for pinching his cheek 😭😭😭
How did Hitler tie his shoes?
In knotsies.
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