Disney movies taught me there’s nothing I can’t accomplish as long as my parents die a brutal untimely death.
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Now that we’ve mastered induction cooking, can someone invent a coffee cup that stays cool in the microwave?
Sweat pants & Uggs in public says “and I didn’t brush my teeth, either.”
Overheard a woman say very angrily on the phone “I married a stale ham sandwich of a human” and calling someone a stale ham sandwich is probably my new favorite insult
“did I catch you at a bad time?”
– yeah, I’m awake and I’m sober
It would be so creepy if instead of crying, babies were born laughing.
Since instagram is down I’m not sure if there was a sunrise today or if anyone ate any food? I feel lost.
Me: Go to school!
9yr Old: It’s Sunday.
Me: Go to church!
9yr Old: I’m Jewish.
Me: Convert!
Oh my god, my jeans fit! All I have to do is not sit down, not walk, and not breathe. I totally got this.
R.I.P. Wile E. Coyote
First airplane parts store: The customer is always Wright
i gotta stop wearing clothes that have recently washed up on shore
I just want to take a moment to thank God for making it be parrots that talk and not cockroaches.
Oh really? I swallow eight spiders a year in THEIR sleep
My son went over to a friend’s house & his Mom asked when we wanted him home. From her expression I think she was expecting a time, not day.
Annie: I feel weird
Michael Jackson: I have the best idea for a song
I like ordering delivery pizza from two different locations as a race. I prize myself as the winner with two pizzas.
Does everyone’s inner monologue have a laugh track?
Driving class: 10 and 2
Real life: 7 and french fries
Turns out men don’t like being asked when their due date is either
me at the door waiting for my grubhub chicky wings
If wrestling is “fake” then explain this
I like making detailed sketches of animals but when it comes to snakes I draw a line
Dads be like, “Picked out the t-shirt I’ll be wearing every weekend for the next 20 years.”
When someone is talking on their phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly
Instead of saying you lost your eyesight due to an explosion while you were making meth, just tell people that you were blinded by science.
I was 17 before I realized that the reason the ocean is salty is not “because of something I did.” Thanks Dad.
If you ever want to defeat your enemy in battle, just throw a waterlogged nerf football at their head.