[Infomercial]
HOST: Wanna learn how to lose up to 15 pounds with one simple trick?!?
AUDIENCE: Yes!
HOST: Here’s how! *rips off his own arm*
You Might Also Like
I had a call from a charity asking me to donate old clothes for starving people. I told them anybody who fits into my clothes isn’t starving
Teen: Your brows are on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your FACE is on fleek.
Teen: Thanks!
Me: God damn it.
I twisted my ankle playing vodka last night
Girl: I love Medieval Art
Boy: Who doesn’t? There he is now
Medieval Art: Good morrow! Pray tell- How fare thee on this day of providence?
Skrillex! It’s your cousin Marvin. Marvin Skrillex! Know that sound you’ve been looking for? I think I found it! *holds phone up to blender*
‘I’ve never done this on a first date before’ I say as I start vacuuming his place
My neighbors are having a terrible fight in the front yard. I mean hanging Christmas lights. Same.
I’ll be in the yard for a bit. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.
[interview]
So what makes you qualified to be an x-ray technician?
Superman: Are you being serious right now?
When someone asks me why I’m leaving the party early, I say “I’m late for an appointment with my pajamas.”
Who says great literature is dead?
Guy from the Prodigy: I’m a firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Okay fine
Guy from the Prodigy: You’re the firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Aww man don’t drag me into this shit
Got thrown out of the grocery store for holding a rotisserie chicken up like Simba again
Interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
Me: yes that number is zero
WIFE: look at that couple. He kisses his girl every time he sees her. Why can’t you do that
ME: I’d love to but I don’t know her well enough
I have more pictures of food on my phone than I do of my children.
Sorry I booped your nose when you said that you loved me.
Ladies, if he:
– doesn’t introduce you to his parents
– never calls you back
– has four feet
– smells like potato chips
– could easily be mistaken for a loaf of breadthat’s my pug, you’re dating my pug
If there is no shredded cheese in my bra right now, I have failed
Superhero Movies Love to Have Villains Who Are Totally Right… Until They’re Randomly Super Wrong
Wedding DJ pointed at a bird that flew inside the building and yelled, “Y’all, give it up for the man who taught me how to SHAPESHIFT!!!”
You’d think I’d lose weight just from carrying around this extra 40 pounds wherever I go.
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
(Jupiter –
13 years ago I ordered an m&m blizzard at Dairy Queen and the lady who took my order screamed “ONE SMALL M&M BLIZZARD!!!” at the top of her lungs then immediately turned around and started making it herself and it’s still the funniest thing that has ever happened to me
One of our insect keepers said she had butterflies in her stomach but she didn’t seem all that nerv-SONOFA!
What do Kermit the Frog, John the Baptist, and Vlad the Impaler have in common?
Same middle name.
Me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
2-year-old: An eagle!
I’m going to save so much money on college.
*spider falls on my desk*
*pulls fire alarm*
*stands in hallway & points firefighters toward my desk*
There’s a washer, a dryer but not a folder.