Me, before kids: my kids will not spend their time on electronics.
Me, after kids: iPad is your mom now.
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We all talk about the early bird getting the worm but what if I’m a worm and sleeping in could save my life
Her: What do you notice that’s different about me?
Me: I’ll just sleep on the sofa, see you in the morning.
“How much to hire a church singing group?”
“You mean a choir?”
“Fine, how much to acquire a church singing group?”
I tried to explain Twitter to my Mom and she said, “Sounds like group therapy where no one ever gets better”.
I’ve seen almost 400 kung-fu and wuxia movies over the past three years, so when I say I’ve never seen a fight like this before, it’s not hyperbole
(Drunken Dragon/Exciting Dragon – dir. Chiu Chung-Hing, 1985)
Mama I made it :,) RT @funTweeters: #WayneL_Jr Your tweet was published Welcome to the family 🙂
Guys, you don’t have to be a priest to shoot a baby with a water pistol. Literally anyone can do it.
why does the radiologist run behind that wall like they just pulled the pin out of a grenade wtf
If I’m murdered, I hope I’m able to write out the killer’s name in blood and then “sucks” underneath
listen, if your girl ever has to move home for a few weeks to save a family business whilst in the company of a charming slacker she once had a crush on in high school, you’re gonna have a bad time
Me: What’s the word for a female scientist?
Him: A scientist?
Me: No, a ‘ResearcHER,’ Haha get it?
Him: I get that we’re never going on a second date
When I say the word ‘laboratory’ I quietly say it like a mad scientist in my head: la-bore-ra-tori
Me: How old is your daughter?
Her: She’ll be 4 next week.
Me: *audible sigh
(Slowly, emphatically): OK. But I asked how old is she… NOW.
“IN THIS CORNER.. DWAYNE “THE ROCK” JOHNSON”
*the rock beats chest*
AND IN THIS CORNER… RYAN “PAPER” WALLACE
*the rock is visibly nervous*
[bursts into garage]
“why is your car still on? you’ve been in here for 3 days”
i’m trying to kill myself
“but you drive an electric car”
You know what would make my cubicle super cute? Fire.
This whole year with my family has given me whatever the opposite of Stockholm Syndrome is.
This made me smile to an unreasonable degree 😂
doctor: u might want to sit down
me: omg why?
doctor: you’re not the real slim shady
AMERICA:
Where someone will eventually figure out how to fry Vodka
Lawyer: the evidence points to him as our prime suspect
Me [lips on the mic]: tell the evidence it’s not polite to point
That awkward moment when your date says she has a hair piece but later you find out she was saying herpes.
Why don’t they just call pot head janitors ‘ High maintenance ‘ ?
Doctor: You have athletes foot
Me: Omg awesome, when do I get the whole body?
I think my husband is psychic!
“Honey, what do you think of this outfit?”
{from other room}
“You look great!”
Who cares if you have regrets on your death bed. You’re about to die. I have regret everyday and have like another 40 years of this garbage
Why is called an “extraction” and not an “amputeeth”?
Me: Hey Mr. DJ, do you take requests?
Dj: Yes.
M: Excellent, can you turn it down a bit.
me: im depressed
therapist: try a good walk
me: will that work
therapist: yes *subtly gives a ‘thumbs up’ to my dog*