Kids are fun. For example my daughter overflowed the toilet once and now she has a toilet flushing phobia.
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My twins both have hiccups at the same time and I’m over here hoping it’s not the eighth sign of the apocalypse
Wife: I finally caught you. I could hear it from the other room. You were watching a dirty movie. Me: No. Its just womens tennis.
[Running a marathon]
Guy beside me: are- are you wearing tap dancing shoes?
Congratulations to all the people currently in a coma, well played.
If I die before I wake, I pray the lord has ice cream cake.
The government shut down. Monkey knife fights in my backyard in one hour BYOB
[bank heist]
rob: what’s the plan
me: tom, you get the car ready while i hold up the bank
rob: it’s “rob”
me: sorry, tom get the car ready while i rob the bank
Me: *reciting passage from The Satanic Bible*
Them: You idiot, what have you done? You WOKE the devil!
Lucifer: Intestines are just water slides for your poop
I woke up to someone snow blowing their driveway at 6 AM. I taught him a lesson by locking him outside.
I’m curious about the first person who saw an egg drop out of a chicken & said, “I’m going to eat that.”
MTV canceled Teen Mom, so it’s like they had those babies for nothing.
Stop saying “11/11/11” only happens once in a lifetime. EVERY date only happens once in a lifetime. That’s how time works.
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever the hell is chasing me.
My girlfriend just got the definition of mansplaining wrong and now I don’t know what to do.
I quit smoking ten years ago, but every once in a while, I still enjoy a camel when I’m driving.
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
My son, Luke, loves how I named all my kids after Star Wars characters.
My daughter, Chewbecca, not so much.
I made a resolution to eat better and exercise in the new year but didn’t specify which year I was referring to.
vampire: *goes to bite me*
me: ohhh nooo don’t make me immortal and super strong and sexy aaaahhh
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: omg, yay.
BOWIE: Just for one day.
ME: I actua—I think it’s gonna take longer than that.
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: No, I get that. It’s jus—it’s a length issue.
BOWIE: Forever and ever.
ME: I don’t…*rubbing temples* something between those, maybe?
Genie: *transforms me into a turtle* oh wait, did you say eternal life?
Me: *from inside shell* yeah no this is better
business idea: a dating app that only matches Adams with Steves
It’s actually a good thing money doesn’t grow on trees because I’ve killed every plant I’ve ever owned.
Twitter. Or as I call it: Sinterest.
I just tested negative for patience.
You give me that many goddamn birds for one f****** holiday and I’m grilling the shit out of them. Lemon pepper turtle doves, anyone?
“Moo.”
– hipster sheep
Tony Hawk, age 6
I’ve been anticipating all his needs and trying to be more on time with all of his demands. I really hope my cat picks me for employee of the month this time.
Peacock: *spreads feathers at me*
Husband: It’s trying to attract you as a mate
Me: *shyly lifts top*
Husband: no