This is the ideal bird body
You may not like it, but this is what peak performance looks like
You Might Also Like
It wasn’t weird until my husband asked why I didn’t send him the nudes I made him take of me.
ME: A bear is just an angry couch.
PARK RANGER: Sir, get slowly off the bear.
ME: *snuggling in* No. It’s fluffy.
[a guy walking his dog grabs my purse and they run off]
Me: Hey, that’s not nice! You get back here this instant and let me pet that dog!
[5:45 AM]
Daughter: “Daddy can you make me breakfast?”Me: “Can you not reach your Halloween candy?”
if u ever feel insecure just remember that there is at least one couple where your name is a sensitive topic. kinda sexy of you to be that important
I appreciate a dentist who accepts “I didn’t really expect to live this long” as the answer to why I haven’t been properly taking care of my teeth.
I’m not saying your perfume is too strong. I’m just saying the canary was alive before you got here.
guy who came to check out what’s making noises in my attic told me it’s “one of the creepiest attics [he’s] ever seen.” not something you want to hear from a person whose job involves seeing a lot of attics
I’m that asshole that holds the door open for you when you’re 50 feet away. You know, so you have to run a little.
Putin takes over entire world while everybody searches for the missing plane.
“If only children came with instructions,” the witch lamented while preheating the oven
Pirate union rep: what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
Pirate: More parity!
Pirate union rep: [squawking] what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
She danced her way into his heart.
-She was doing the robot tho, so she looked like an idiot.
[Turing Test]
Tester: Let’s start with an easy one, the square root of 29241?
Subject: 171!
Tester:
Subject: I meant, idk math is hard. lol
*meeting a medium for the first time*
Medium: There’s a maternal figure coming through. She loves you very much.
Me: Are there dinosaurs in Heaven?
“Remember where we parked.”
-Me, to my dog.
I’m sick of teeth being so high maintenance. Cleaning? Day AND night?? Or you fall out? You don’t see the other bones acting this way. Seriously, grow up.
<door bell>
Zombie wife: Is that Bob?
Zombie husband: *looks thru peep hole* Not sure, but he’s a dead ringer.
[before horsepower was invented]
car salesman: this baby has the strength of 7000 raccoons
Parenting is great if you want to relive every moment from your childhood when your parents got mad at you – from your parents’ perspective.
I only have one sex toy. 7 if you search my house and get creative.
All of these stories about missing campers.
Nobody has ever gone missing sitting on their couch.
My wife told me some guy at the bar was buying her drinks all night to get me jealous.
We’ll it worked. I wish he was buying me drinks.
Horrifying if literal: my girlfriend is a gym rat.
I was wondering what was poking my stomach and it was a potato chip I had with my lunch that fell down my shirt. Damn we even took a nap together.
My wife didn’t cover her yawn so I opened my mouth too and I totally won the silent screaming contest.
The more we travel into the mountains the more little critters I see. A rabbit will run across the road, then a squirrel, then a crab. What?
Febreeze works just like in the commercials, only instead of being impressed, mom comes home and says “it still smells like pot in here.”
You should never bribe someone to get what you want. You should blackmail them, it’s cheaper and much more effective.