*Approaches a guy reading “Catch Me If You Can”*
I love that book. The way he just *clenches fist* catches all those freakin’ cans.
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seashell: [holding me to its ear]
me: [making city noises]
I enjoy long walks in the woods, but only because there’s a chance I’ll get eaten by a bear.
Better names for porcupines:
Needle Beaver
Battlepig
Hurty Squirrel
Flail Monster
Cactus Rat
Capy-scare-uh
Death otter
Revenge Possum
[uses Ant-Man tech to carry around a bunch of dogs in my pocket]
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about getting a goat?
me [stops feeding the goat] You would have said no
Starts a choir that moves around in a boat, preaching how we are all going down into an abyss of damnation.
Names the boat Hell Sinky.
13: I found a baggie of pot.
M: *takes it* Thank you, bringing it to an adult was the right thing to do. Now go outside and play for 3 hrs.
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
Wife: I finally caught you. I could hear it from the other room. You were watching a dirty movie. Me: No. Its just womens tennis.
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
(spilling my bag at the airport in an attempt to show off) oh sorry lol these are just my Hot Wheels
“I’ve got toes in different area codes.”
– Ludacris steps on a land mine
[school]
TEACHER: how was your summer?STUDENT: great, I grew a foot
TEACHER: that’s cool, can I see it?
Important
Having a conversation with my oldest we came to this impasse:
5: No mom, not chicken the animal, chicken the food!
Me: Oh man, buddy…I’ve got bad news for you.
imagine how angry bear grylls’ wife would be if he didn’t like what she cooked for dinner
Halloween: The one day I can flap my arms like a bat and nobody asks any questions.
Son: When did u know you were old?
Me: When I started saying ‘congratulations’ to friends who said they were pregnant instead of ‘oh shit.’
When I find out you work in the medical profession, no matter the capacity, I will ask you to look at this rash. Just to annoy you
[Folding my wife’s laundry after 7 years]
Pile 1 – I have folded these correctly
Pile 2 – I think I have folded these correctly
Pile 3 – I have no idea how to fold these
Pile 4 – I don’t even know what these are
im about to go on a date. im sure it will be perfectly normal and wont go viral or anything…
Kevin, children are allowed to order pizzas. You don’t have to make the delivery guy think he’s being shot at by gangsters. For christ sake.
Wife is angry because “somebody” dripped grape jelly onto the dog’s head.
It feels very accusatory.
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
Having a teen daughter the same shoe size as me is worth every single eye roll and sigh she dishes out because my shoe closet has doubled.
Checks for abs
Finds an M&M
It’s bad when the hackers try to return your stolen identity.
Her: Why do you have a copy of 50 Shades of Grey in your bathroom? Perv!
Me: Oh. No that’s just for when I run out of toilet paper.
i wish it was legal to leave the house without spending at least $100 but they actually shoot you execution style if you try
Why did they call it a drawn-on six pack and not an abs tract painting.