Vet: We have to put his dog down
Assistant: You tell him
Vet: No, you
Assistant: You!
Vet: YOU!
John Wick: What are you two whispering about?
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I am 30 minutes into home schooling my 6 year old. I suggest that all school teachers are paid £1m per year from now on.
They say kill ’em with kindness but it’s much quicker if you just take their phone charger away.
Me, seeing a man proposing to a woman in public: Hey, this guy bothering you?
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage and understand how it works?
Me (imagining bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
My two year old demands that we place her floral print blanket on her shoulders and address her as “baby vampire” and read her “vampire books” (just regular peppa pig books but she’s dressed as a vampire) so I feel I’m parenting correctly
By allowing my children to play their music & video games loudly, I’m able to get candy out of its wrapper into my mouth unseen.
Every time I clean my dog’s water bowl, she has put a piece of dry spaghetti in there. Where is she getting the spaghetti? Why is she not eating it? Is she softening it? For how long? Do I leave it? This has been happening for months.
“Children should eat a variety of colors in their diet!”
My children’s dinner:
If you can name four Metallica songs, you are in Metallica.
That Gollum game was never going to be great but damn if this isn’t the funniest “alpha footage vs final release” since maybe the first Watch Dogs
Hootenanny is just one of those stupid made up words, like ‘ambition’ and ‘productivity’.
So a coffee break is when you stop drinking coffee for a minute, right?
My diet starts in January
of 2027
There are two types of people in this world, avoid both.
Men: Take Route 2 to the 156 and get on the 7.
Me: I DO NOT KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS.
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
Our guide called the bear tracks I found bike tracks. Laugh it up pal, but if these bears are on bikes we’re all going to die out here.
I just shaved my armpits after such an extended hiatus that my razor acted as little more than a comb. Should have scythed first.
Her: I’m so wet
Him: I’m so hard
Eavesdropping alien: These people are bad at describing themselves.
*knocks on bathroom stall wall*
Forgive me father, for I have sinned.
“Huh? What?”
It’s been 3 days since my last-
[sound of diarrhea]
[puts baby in highchair]
Ohhh HIGH chair, I get it. That explains why all you do is eat, sleep & drool you stupid little stoner.
Why would I want to talk to your baby? On the phone. It’s a baby. If I wanted to hear random noises when I talk, I have a husband for that.
The dog I’m sitting got ahold of a plastic knife and was threatening to eat it, I had to offer her my whole breakfast in exchange for her dropping it, and then I realized I had just literally been held up at knifepoint by a dog over some scrambled eggs
My friend said his dog retrieved a ball he threw over a mile away. I don’t know, that seems pretty far fetched.
Day 3 of weight loss challenge: all my coworkers look like tacos. I do not understand how the meat remains in the shell as they walk around.
The purpose of hangers is to put a zig zag wrinkle in your pants at the knees.
I can’t wait for thanksgiving. It’s an election year so that means there will be at least 4 fist fights and someone’s getting disowned.
im not former gifted student. i am still gifted. put me in a fourth grade class i’ll annihilate them all like i did the first time
As it turns out, “harder” is a horrible safe word.
Before we were married, my wife was like a tiger in the bedroom.
Now she’s more like a possum.
She plays dead whenever a snake approaches.