Having a toddler is a great way to find out how much milk your tennis shoe will hold
You Might Also Like
WIFE: *motions to me that she’s choking*
ME: *immediately dials 911*
911: what the emergency
ME: *handing her the phone* here u talk to them
@JosesLovesYou @funTweeters The slang in Japanese for periods IS Hinomaru (That’s the name of the Japanese flag) 🙂
Fun fact: if you say “I did the math,” nobody argues with you because they don’t want to have to redo the math themselves.
Do you ever feel like you’re a terrible person? I do. I feel like you’re a terrible person.
I’ll grant you this, missing our scheduled call because you “had to chase and catch your pet pig” is the best reason I’ve ever heard.
me: I got fired from the play, they hated my set design
wife: did you make a scene?
me: *crying* several
Like anyone has time to sit there and read 12,412 product reviews on Amazon.
[8 hours later]
Yeah, I’m def not buying this pillow.
My yoga teacher was sent to prison for fraud.
He did a 3 year stretch.
“Disney movies promote false images of the friendliness of woodland creatures,” I mutter after each rabies shot.
Look, ice cream has eggs in it, therefore it is a breakfast food.
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about eating children.
My girlfriend [31f] doesn’t know how to count months and it’s actually causing problems in our relationship [31m]
*burst into doctor’s office*
ME: I’m no longer canstopetid
DOCTOR: You mean constipated
ME: No I’ve had a vowel movement
DOCTOR: Get out
I’ve decided to go out on the street tonight.
Can’t wait to be chased by the police.
At least a man will finally be chasing me.
Son: “You didn’t have YouTube or Minecraft when you were a kid? What did you do?”
*flashback to peeling dried glue off my hand*
Me: “Stuff.”
(pediatric emergency dept)
Me: what’s your name?
4yo boy: I wear size 11 dinosaur shoes and my socks are spiderman today, see? *takes off shoes, shows me socks*
Me: awesome, those are really cool
4yo boy: yeah, I know!
Mom: I promise he knows his name
Me: Doctor, I’m not ready to be a father yet.
Doctor: Your daughter is 10.
[coworker interrupting my story about how my weekend was] first of all McDonald’s doesn’t even have soup
Squid Game is so captivating because it’s about man’s greatest fear: being told to find a partner to team up with for a project
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“Hi. Long time listener, first time caller.”
“That’s really funny.”
“Thank you. Anyways, I’m being stabbed.”
Being 30 is fun because I’m kind of grown up, but I also still secretly believe I would be a good Spider-Man if the opportunity presented itself
me: *tries to schedule car maintenance online*
website: we need you to call for that
me: *calls*
phone message: we’re busy, use the website
me: screams into the void
the void: please use the website
If Mitt Romney was president, we’d blame everything on him. “Damn why is it so cold outside? It wasn’t this cold when Obama was president.”
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re dead Linda
Jeff Bezos confirms he’s no longer the world’s richest man as Bill Gates has cancelled his Amazon Prime subscription.
New machine at the gym is weird. I cant figure out the sets but for a dollar it gives me a Snickers when I hit E4.
What did this chicken ever do to them?? 😂😂😂
You can’t give everyone everything they need. You are not a cruise ship.
we lost our power
“why?”
a transformer blew up by our house
*eyes widen* “that’s awes-”
it’s not as cool as it sounds
I appreciate the optimism, guys, but I’m fairly confident it’s going to be Charles.