HER: I know making friends as an adult is hard, just try asking questions.
{Later at a bar}
ME (who has not tried to make friends since 3rd grade): What’s your favorite dinosaur mine’s triceratops.
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[presidents 2km race – finish line]
OBAMA (checks stopwatch): just under 10 mins, did I beat the record?
CLINTON: no, Bush did 9:11
I started to go to yoga today and then I remembered that I could lie on the floor in my own house without driving anywhere.
Her: Have you planned your funeral?
Me: Yeah, it’s scheduled for September 25, 2450.
Her: (Stares)
Me: What? Are you busy on that day?
Nothing makes me feel more beautiful than when the woman waxing my eyebrows asks if I want my moustache done too.
OPTOMETRIST: Better or worse? Better or worse?
ME: You don’t *have* to talk during sex
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
my superhero friends never let me be the head of our giant robot because I refuse to stop kissing airplanes
3-year-old: Let’s play zombies
Me: OK
3: You’re the dad zombie, I’m the mom zombie & this is the baby
She tricked me into playing house
I asked my son to take the garbage out and he immediately tried to pick up his brother and boys are fun.
My girlfriend hates when I correct her grammar. She’s like “What’s with all the red pen marks in my diary?”
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: …
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: *sits up in bed* Clark, you have x-ray vision. You know there’s no monster in the closet
Sympathy for my 5 year old who has just announced he is allergic to all vegetables except chicken nuggets
i am not one 22-year-old, i am actually two 11-year-olds stacked on top of each other wearing a trench coat
[at therapist]
I don’t know, sometimes I just feel invisible
Therapist: WHO SAID THAT?!?
Throw it against the wall and see if it sticks: good advice for cooks, great advice for Spiderman’s taxidermist.
President The Rock Obama
My wife bought me gym shorts like I’m gonna run to the kitchen for some more nachos.
People I hate when I’m driving:
1. Everyone. I hate everyone when I’m driving.
My 10 yr old was hugging the cat, & whispering to him “I love you so much that you’re the 2nd most loved thing in my life.” Aww, I thought, she’s still mama’s little girl. Then she finished her whisper with “But spaghetti is my favorite thing.”
Girl seeing my torn jeans
Where’d you get those?!
*remembers trying to pee on a hill & stumbling backwards through thorn bushes*
The Gap.
[family hears me pull in driveway]
wife: please don’t
wrestling announcer: sorry ma’am he already paid me. NOW ENTERING THE HOUSE FROM WORK
Truth or dare?
-Truth.
Ok, go.
-I get sexually aroused by ALF.
Okaaaay…
-Your turn. Truth or dare?
Um…dare.
-Put on this ALF costume.
Just got a cramp in my side so that’ll teach me for getting off the couch.
A rat followed me home in a dark street in DC, so I pretended I was on the phone with an exterminator
Me: *wakes up from nap, dazed* How long was I asleep?
Husband: Shh. Shh. It’s still 2020. Go back to sleep.
*Arrives at ticket stall with my girl* Me: Two tickets to the movie please. Attendant: For The Hobbit? Me: No, that’s my girlfriend.
[Thanksgiving 2020]
Me *crying*: I’m fine, just chopping onions
Him: that’s a carrot
Dance like no one’s going to press charges.
We need a dating app where you can just get directly to the point. Like hey, you think I’m cute? Do you wanna abandon society & go live in the mountains so we can train a small army of raccoons to shoplift for us when the apocalypse finally happens? No? Then don’t waste my time.