her: [during sex] call me names
me: [panicking] optimus prime
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*chad kroeger walks through metal detector at airport*
TSA agent: I’ve never seen this low of a reading
Why are bridges so flammable.
If the government implants a tracking device on me the only useful information they are going to get is how many times I actually pee in a day.
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my 4th cup of French onion soup.
hi why am I like this
“How was the beach? You hang ten or what?”
No but I stabbed a couple because they kept asking stupid questions about my vacation
Having a crush on someone sucks. If I wanted to gamble with my emotions, I would simply go to a convenience store, fill a slushie with 5 random flavors & let the lord decide whether it was delicious or not.
Knights in white satin do not sound like they would be properly protected in a battle scenario. Yes, they would LOOK incredible but sadly they would die
I can’t believe I used to talk to people.
The cake is mightier than the sword.
It’s like my Mom always said FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW:
SPLOOT
Autocorrect changed “baby rattle” to “baby battle” and now I’m googling where to buy tiny weapons.
It’s called Taco Bell because Alexander Graham Bell also invented the taco.
My wife complains that she has a big ass, I just wish she would stop pointing at me when she says it.
Me: Ah-woooo!
The Moon: [swipes left]
ACQUAINTANCE: read any good books lately?
ME: yeah, I just finished “How to Make Friends and Hypnotize People”
ACQUAINTANCE: I think it’s “Influence People”
ME: *swinging watch* no it’s not
FRIEND: you’re right buddy, it’s not
Left my fiancé at the altar. The relationship is over, but the human sacrifice went perfectly
I’ve been laughing for an hour straight
“I better pee first.”
– me, before doing anything
me: i have an imaginary gf
therapist: u can do better than that
me: i know, it’s just–
therapist: i was talking to her
good work, detective
they say penguins mate for life, but that’s bullshit cause my penguin left me first chance she had
me: it’s our third date, you know what this means
him: *confidently* I think I do
me: *saves his number in my contacts*
You’d think I’d lose weight just from carrying around this extra 40 pounds wherever I go.
Maybe I should’ve learned to code instead of majoring in Bermuda Triangle Studies
Guys, please help. My son accidentally started a sentence without saying “mom” first, and then he kind of short circuited…? What do I do?
When I gave up sugar for Lent, I didn’t know I was also giving up travel, sex, human interaction, public gatherings, movies, drinking alone, peace of mind and sanity. I want sugar back.
If I were a cop, I’d focus on the people going the speed limit. They’re the ones with something to hide.
Never trust a woman sucking a candycane into a sword.