We rescued an injured coyote once but were totally unprepared for how many Acme products they order.
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“I have so much to do” she says, staring at a tree for five years
Does anyone else still miss that part of the pandemic where it was illegal for anyone to come near you?
Asking for a friend. x
Lonely nights, we’ve all been here. Pretending to choke so someone hugs you. Pretending a jellyfish stung you so someone pees on you. Usual.
people who live alone should get one practice conversation before they have to speak out loud for the first time that day
At this point, I think the people on “The Walking Dead” are trying to bore the zombies into not biting them.
“How does Dracula get his hair so perfect without a mirror? Oh questions about the job? No I’m good.”
Our kids are making us a special anniversary dinner and I’ve never not worked so hard in my life
I want my eulogy to be someone just doing a dramatic reading of Billy Joel’s song We Didn’t Start the Fire (without the music) while doing an interpretive dance.
“That’s what” – She
“When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I did those things online”
Hey, Lady Gaga. I know your fan base would probably revolt, but can you please hire the Goo Goo Dolls as your opening act so you can call it the Goo Goo Gaga Tour? Thanks in advance for your consideration.
Not one person has been eaten by sharks yet this week. Probably the worst Shark Week ever.
My six year old lost a tooth. I left a note instead of money “too dirty.” He has been brushing that one tooth all day. Lesson unlearned
If Keenan and Kel decide
That they both are satisfied
And illuminate the no
On their Good Burger sign
Payday: BUY ALL THE THINGS!!
Day Before Payday: I would like to pay for this taco in pennies.
me watching a commercial of golf balls getting flushed down a toilet: “wow. There is still so much about this sport I don’t know”
Most girls: “I hangout with guys, there’s less drama.” Me: “I hangout by myself. There’s no drama & I don’t have to wear pants.”
I love when people tell me they’ll “see me in hell” as if I’m not gonna weasel my way out of those plans too.
I would like to be a zombie because when someone asked me if I had a boyfriend I could just eat them.
Me: bedtime!
Brain: you’re hungry
M: no I’m not
B: thirsty then
M: nope
B: uhh sad?
M: doing ok
B: you forgot to do that thing
M: nice try
HONEY QUICK COME HERE THERE’S A COMMERCIAL ABOUT MENOPAUSE
How much longer?
Did you bring any snacks?
They want $5 for M&M’s!
I wanna go home
Is it over yet?– me watching my kids Christmas pageant
I love going to the gym this time of year because I’m a perfect example of what years of neglect and nachos can do to a body.
[dark alley]
ME: someone told me that you knew how to fry rice
SHRIMP: [takes long drag from cigarette, murders me]
[sexting]
HER: ok well i think we’re done here lol
ME: it’s bc i used ‘betwixt’ isn’t it?[typing ellipses for a solid minute]
HER: yes
ARTICLE: How, at the age of just 22 did this man…
ME: Is it rich parents?
ARTICLE: … Yeah.
Me: Okay, you’re up
Kid: …. Trick or Treat
Me, opening kitchen cabinet: Look, candy!!
Kid: Mom, this is stupid
Me: Do you want candy or do you want to get infected and die???
I was 17 before I realized that the reason the ocean is salty is not “because of something I did.” Thanks Dad.
“I have a coupon for a large 2 topping”
“What toppings?”
“Pepperoni & a small cheese pizza”
“Sir you can’t top a pizza with a smaller pizza”
Growing up was certainly the stupidest idea I had as a child.