My neighbor’s 13-month old only has four teeth. She’s way too young to being doing that much meth.
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Walking up to any crime scene & whispering within the crowd, “It’s started again, hasn’t it?” then leaving
[a cat sitting in the sleigh impassively knocking presents out into the Pacific Ocean]
Rudolph: Santa Claws, NO
90% of parenting older kids is making sure they’re not in the same room when they have to do homework.
DOCTOR: You’ve gained a lot of weight
ME: I’m getting older and my metabolism is slowing down
DOCTOR: [slapping chicken wings out of my mouth] I mean since you got here
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, we’re still well below my average.
The inventor of rock, paper, scissors must have been an extremely dangerous man if he considered paper a weapon.
Her: Well, I don’t want to look a gift horse in the mouth…
Me: Then don’t floss in a mirror.
love printers. as all of technology evolves, they take a bold stand and say “no, not only am i not going to improve, i’m not going to even print” and that’s the type of product integrity i can get behind
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
Me: *tied up*
Guy: *hits my kneecap*
M: I’m not a rat!
G: Bring in her sworn enemy!
G2: *tosses Rubik’s Cube at me*
M: Oh god no! I’ll talk!
friend: hey are you up for a blind date tomorrow night?
me: sure
friend: does 8 sound good?
me: nah that’s out of my league, better find me a 4
I confused girdle and wordle, and now I can’t spell for crap but my waistline looks fabulous
[Heaven]
God: Sorry I pulled you away from earth
Stan Lee: Nuff said!
God: It’s just part of the job
Stan Lee: well with great power… [winks]
Wanna spice up your marriage? Say this with a serious face.
Me: it’s robocop
Wife: it’s not robocop it’s dangerous*a roomba with a gun taped to it is shooting at our cat*
Sure I’m stable, but like in the way a flatline is stable
My kids said parenting is easy so I let them put the toddlers socks and shoes on and now everyone is crying.
Ok. Seriously, stop feeding the gulls.
*open up knapsack and a parachute comes out*
Kid: But that means-
*Dad is hurtling towards the ground with a sandwich and apple*
Therapist: So what’s the problem?
Wife: He thinks he’s a flamingo.
Me: That’s it! I’m putting my foot down.
*lowers foot that was raised*
Just heard a lady yell at her kid “Put the god damn present for your god damn father in the cart!”
Happy, happy holidays.
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
That scene in Pulp Fiction where Vincent revives Mia by stabbing her in the chest with an adrenaline shot, except it’s me on a Saturday morning when my kid shoves his finger in my nostril to wake me up.
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
Me: Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please
Waitress [slaps my face]: The men I please, that’s none of your business
Me: *completes lifestyle questionnaire*
Life expectancy app: Well, this is awkward.
Tried arranging dinner out but AC changed eat to war so I arrived to find the whole family laying siege to this Taco Bell.
My boyfriend is watching Glee voluntarily and tapping his foot and smiling. That makes me a lesbian now, right?
Ever had sex so bad you felt like calling a manager to complain?
What does it mean when your therapist throws up into the trash can, not once, but twice during your session?