Why did Yogi Bear only have a collar and a tie, and not a full dress shirt?
*Patiently waits as you all Google pics of Yogi Bear*
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doctor: I’d like to give you something to help your anxiety
me: whose side are you on?
Donuts are beautiful creatures and they deserve their own week on the nature channels.
wife: where are the beans?
me: i made phones with the cans.
wife: can i talk to you in the kitchen?
small voice echoing from the kitchen: you can now.
Most drug-sniffing dogs refuse to admit they have a problem
I want you to know that whatever problems you’re having I’m hear to ‘like’ them. 🙃
My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic. I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.
If you watch Footloose during the pandemic, the minister who tells everyone not to dance is now the hero.
I think there is a delicate balance with photo filters. You may want to get rid of your wrinkles but you don’t want to blur out your nose.
*gets in the bus*
*Brings out earphones*
*untangles*
*arrives*
[i get home to find a note on the refrigerator that says “i’m leaving and i’m taking the kids”]
ME: *unplugs fridge from power outlet* you’re not going anywhere you piece of shit
What idiot called it a rattlesnake’s warning rattle and not a cautionary tail?
Just wanted to let you all know that I have been admitted into hospital and they are keeping me in. I’ve only gone and poisoned myself, thanks to my cooking skills. What I thought was an onion for my salad turned out to be a daffodil bulb. They said I should be out early spring.
Having this propane tank bounce around my floorboard is one way to work up a sweat on a chilly morning
True?
No. I would not like it if my dog knew how to talk, I taught my daughter to talk now all she does is make fun of me
I’m a champion of grammar;
A grampion, if you will.
Things to know before you date me:
1. I party
2. The doctor forgot to cut my umbilical cord so my mom has to come
My favorite thing about all the people waiting in line for the new iPhones is for those hours the rest of the world is a better place.
[under heavy sniper fire]
Platoon leader: where’s that sniper fire coming from?
Me [crying a fair bit]: a big gun with a telescope on it
The 80s gave me the unrealistic expectation that I would eventually see a mannequin come to life.
me: 11 can you come here
11: am i in trouble?
me: …no…but…should you be?
11: no.
me: sus.
I’ve yet to find a romantic comedy that speaks to me. Maybe if they set it in an institution or an Arby’s restroom.
[team dumps Gatorade on head coach after victory but head coach just happens to be the Wicked Witch of the West]
COACH: you idiots *melts*
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 at a family get togetherlooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
photographer: alright guys, now let’s do a silly one
I haven’t worn a trench coat since a random man in his 60s said to me “what are you looking for detective” 😭😭
*gives date flowers*
Here. I murdered these plants for you.
Stacy: Come over!
Me: Okay!
Stacy: My mom isn’t home.
Me: Nevermind.
I’ve had a stressful day and writing a scathing email to the pork and bean company wasn’t on my list of things to do but here I am.
Me: Pikachu, I choose you!
Pikachu: The restraining order says 500 feet