a big congratulations to all the big baseball men for not closing their eyes when the ball was coming towards them, good job men
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[using my one prison phone call in 2007] yes, one vote for Sanjaya please
You want to sext?
*blushes*
Ok, but I’m not very good at it.*frantically types*
AS I WALK THROUGH THE VALLEY OF THE SHADOW OF DEATH…
Just stood on my porch and screamed “STOP IT!” at the top of my lungs and two doors over someone yelled back “K”.
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
Merlot; what Princess Ariel drinks when she’s depressed.
#lunchpun
Mailman left a package on my porch labeled “Do Not Bend.” I can’t figure out how to pick it up.
There was no Internet when I was a kid. If you wanted to talk to a pervert, you had to go find one.
*eating freshly baked cookies*
4: I want lots more!
Me: you’ve had a lot already… I don’t want you to get a stomachache
4: but *I* want a stomachache!!!
Masseuse: happy ending?
Me: oh yeah*20 minutes later
Masseuse: …and then Tom Hanks shows up in the park and yells the dog’s name, and Meg Ryan just knows he’s the one she loved all along…
Me: OMG their love is so pure 😭
My favorite part of yard work is running over a toy with the lawnmower and watching it shoot across the yard. Never gets old
I wish Kristen from finance would tell us her husband was an “attorney” one more time so I could feel better about shitting in her purse.
My son said it was the best babysitter ever but the look on her face when we returned told a much different story.
ME: Distinguished fellow, have you seen a monster in this Loch?
LOCHNESS MONSTER (wearing a massive fake mustache): *monster noises*
*Action movie guy gets shot 3 times* It’s nothing, I’ll be fine. *gets shot a 4th time* Wow ok, that last one, ok whoooooo.
I hate babies when they are crying. I hate people who love babies & think babies are cute. I hate grown up babies who make more babies.
I’m sick of getting woken up at 6am by the bin men. I just want a nice sleep but they always insist that I get out of the bin before they collect it.
No parent wants to see their child grow up and join a cult or a cable news political panel.
My mom told me I couldn’t swim until 30 minutes after I last ate so that’s why I haven’t swam since I was 14 years old.
Just received a thank-you card from someone I sent a thank-you card to. Oh, it’s on.
Just realized that the group therapy I attended weekly for three years was actually the waiting room of a local optometrist.
One of my husband’s friends added me on Snapchat and I thought it was weird so I started a group chat for the three of us. 😂😇
I’m convinced that if Earth explodes all the cats will land safely on the moon, on their feet.
James Woods is suing someone for $10,000,000 because they said he’s a coke addict. When asked why so much, Woods replied “Coke’s expensive.”
People on Twitter: OMG I love how confident you are
Me: [playing trivia at a bar by myself because I assume people don’t want me on their team even though two groups of friends literally asked me to join their teams] yep
My son came home from golfing & took the longest nap. When he woke up, he said, “I took a total Dad nap. I’m going to make the best Dad!”
Something tells me his future wife will not agree with this.
want to make it creepy? just add in my pants to whatever
Merry Christmas…in my pants
Happy New Year…in my pants
Like that scene in ‘The Revenant’ where Leo is mauled by the bear but it’s just me at your wedding reception dancing with your grabby aunt.
We need a “your body is changing” talk for people turning 40.
The candy shop door swung open and he strode in. Patrons gasped and clerks hid under the counter. He put a smoke out with the heel of his boot, pulled another from his leather jacket, and gripped it with his yellowed teeth. “Oh my god,” a woman whispered, “it’s the fifth dentist”