People who say “I hate to bother you” need to learn to hate it a little bit more.
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55% of all country music songs in the ’70s described the tightness of someone’s jeans
Well, my evening plans are ruined
Why I’m starting to hate Twitter…
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
Actually, I thought 50 Shades Of Grey was about Taco Bell meat.
[HONK HONK]
…one more honk and I’m gonna…
[HONK]
*gets out of my car*
*walks to the car behind me*
*feeds the driver’s goose some bread*
Who’s the idiot that named them killer whales instead of panda sharks
[examining human DNA]
Okay, that’s one twisted step ladder.
Hello Darkness my old friend.
Darkness (under his breath): Oh God, it’s him again.
Mood: Shredding documents but realizing I didn’t double check if they were the correct ones and now frantically searching for the Undo button on the shredder
[me on Ellen}
Ellen: so i heard you like to tell people directions
Me: that’s right Ellen
My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don’t tell me about your rough childhood.
Hell hath no fury like a woman not getting responses to her text messages while she sees that you’re continuing to tweet.
There is so much misplaced anger in this world. And so much of it is aimed at Brussels sprouts. Sad.
Coworker-have you heard about that diet that works because you only eat 5 bites?
Me- *stuffs entire donut in mouth* nwopefff. fwuckff owfff.
ACCORDING TO ALL KNOWN LAWS
OF AVIATION,THERE IS NO WAY A BEE
SHOULD BE ABLE TO FLY.ITS WINGS ARE TOO SMALL TO GET
ITS FAT LITTLE BODY OFF THE GROUND.THE BEE, OF COURSE, FLIES ANYWAY
BECAUSE BEES DON’T CARE
WHAT HUMANS THINK IS IMPOSSIBLE.
‘why do people post shit online that never happened just for likes and attention’ my cat asked me
I’ll call bowling a sport when there’s a goalie.
My kids act like they’re afraid of monsters, when they are literally the most terrifying creatures I’ve ever met.
McRib stands for My Chemical Romance Is Back
*jogging back to the house because I forgot something*
My Fitbit: are you ok? why are you running? do I need to call 911? ARE WE BEING PERSUED
My anaconda don’t want none unless you use proper grammar and avoid using double negatives.
In 1752, Benjamin Franklin invented electricity because it was no longer considered humane to execute people using an acoustic chair.
I like my men, like I like my coffee.
So hot, that I have to keep blowing.
if you haven’t yet today pleaseeeee make sure you get in your hours and hours of screen time. you are your phone’s entire life. it misses you ♥️♥️🫶🏼🫶🏼 always remember this
My 3-year-old said she wished we had a pet. I reminded her we have a dog and wow the genuine surprise on her face as it dawned on her that our dog is a pet and not just some other guy who lives here.
Him: idk, i just.. i feel like you’re trying to boil me into soup
me, throwing carrots and potatoes into a giant cauldron: babe, you sound crazy right now
My 5 year old said he was looking for a treasure chest but I thought he said cheddar chest and for a brief moment life as a pirate sounded beautiful
Dress for the job you want, not the job you have. Better yet, dress for jobs that don’t even exist. Werewolf psychiatrist. Clown assassin.
We are watching “It” from last year and not for nothin’ but Pennywise is mostly very bad at his job.