If you had to choose between voting for Trump or getting into the water with sharks, would you dive in or do a cannon ball?
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Mom there’s a boogie man in my closet!
*mom looks and I’m standing there with an afro in a satin shirt and platform shoes
*Emerging from a ten year coma*
Dad: Well look who finally got up
Have kids so that you can remind them constantly about something only to have them look at you each time as if this is the first they’ve heard of it.
BE HONEST.
the first time you ever saw the name “joaquin” you said “joe-a-quin” & then you heard it pronounced on tv & you were like what in the hell
If you had to decide between being fat and rich or poor and skinny, what bridge would you sleep under?
An unboxing video but it’s the toys my kid buried under her bed and forgot she had…
When in doubt, ask yourself WWBD: What Would Beyoncé Do? Would she apply for a job? Nope. She’d just show up one day like “I work here now.”
Person: Do you have a license for that thing?
Me [from my wheelchair]: No, that got revoked after I killed my third pedestrian.
Dear future self,
No, you weren’t robbed. You left your house like this.
Sincerely,
You, you dumb slob.
FRIEND: What’s the movie, where they bring that monster to life and then have to destroy it?
[at the same time]
HER: Frankenstein.
ME: Frosty the Snowman.
In RL I’m a car salesman. Which means its my job to know how many bodies fit in the trunk of a car officer. This is all work related.
If she’s not ruining your life…..She’s just not that into you.
I will judge you by how much dust is on your ceiling fan
Spaghetti, because you didn’t like that shirt anyways
Nice try, horror movies, but the scariest thing I’ve ever seen is still a 4-year-old holding a sharpie without the cap.
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
haha, we all make mistakes. for example, i ate some oysters that i found in the hotel hallway & now i can see my ancestors
Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
I wonder how much time Han Solo spent just brushing Chewie’s fur and talking about their aspirations
the song firestarter, but it’s about my cooking skills
Jokes on you DUI Checkpoint, we can no longer afford to drink AND drive.
Parents please check your kids’ Halloween candy. Just found an orca inside of a Hershey bar. Stay safe this Halloween.
PILOT: we’ll be experiencing some cabin pressure changes
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: *sits down next to me* so have you thought about going back to school
Cop: Ma’am, Are you intoxicated?
Me: Are YOU intoxicated!
Cop: No
Me: Prove it!
Cop: *puts handcuffs on me*
Me: I like where this is going.
[preparing chicken for lunch]
me: it’s a meal we eat at middaychicken: gotcha
Tinder date: Do you have any religious beliefs?
Me: *Motions vaguely in the direction of the refrigerator*
I ordered my latte wrong at that new gypsy coffee place and now my shadow is a horse shadow
There are approximately zero ways to chase paper in the wind without looking like the village idiot
I went for a long walk yesterday and my pants are still tight today. This is not how exercise is supposed to work.
if your refrigerator’s running i’d take off in the same direction. no time to grab anything just go, run!