Drink responsibly? Responsibility is why I drink.
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Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
Getting lucky during a pandemic means I just scored the last bag of doritos in the grocery store.
Girl: So, your dating profile says you enjoy long walks by the sea & making ur own wine?
Jesus: ON
Girl: What?
Jesus: Long walks ON the sea
getting corrected
Kid: Have you seen the pine cone bird feeder I made?
Me: *picking seeds out from between my teeth* BIRD feeder?
[Courtroom]
Judge: Have you been up before me?
Convict: I don’t know, Judge. What time were you up this morning?
I taught my 1yo how to turn on my mother-in-law’s dishwasher since she only uses it for storage.
In store checkout behind beautiful woman in sleek black dress. She’s buying tequila and a quart of motor oil.
Sure like to know that story
When life hands you women, make women laid.
19 is going to my 20 year reunion as me. Now we wait.
I told this cashier she kinda looked like Lorde, and as I was walking out, heard the lady behind me assure her she did not look like Jesus.
My wife went into labor this morning and I was excited until I saw that it’s somebody’s birthday on FB that I didn’t like.
Friends: Get married. Have kids. Get a promotion. Travel the world.
Me: Still standing in the grocery store trying to get open a plastic produce bag.
I tried to be polite and hold the door open for a woman, but she kept screaming, “I’m peeing in here!”
The hardest part of parenting is, and I can’t stress this enough, the kids.
Just saw a man park, walk into a movie theater, walk out two minutes later with a large popcorn and a fountain soda, get in his car, and drive away. A hero of our time.
In case you’re considering having kids, I’ve been awake since sunrise trying to fulfill breakfast requests of: 1. Pancakes 2. Pizza 3. Green
i am tired of the human pretending. they don’t control the weather. sometimes they open the door. and it leads into the rain. but i have literally seen them. open the exact same door. and it be sunny on the other side
If it ain’t broke, my children haven’t touched it yet.
“FOR [sound of robot-computer meltdown/Buckethead noise] PRESS 1
FOR [feint but audible screams of someone being chased in woods] PRESS 2”
I work with my husband, so we can write off marital counseling as a business expense, right?
Fair warning. People who underestimated me in the past have seldom learned of their error!
Currently on minute 137 of Easy~Bake Oven cupcakes. I’ll be live Tweeting their status as they crisp up over the next day or two.
If you try and fight South Park they will just turn around and do another episode about you. 😬
Sister: “Family shot time”
Me: “Whooo Hoooo….drink drink drink drink!”
Sister: [holds up camera]
“I want to take a picture”Me: oh
My reaction to being on a flight with a lot of kids is that I really wish they made light up theme sneakers in my size
What if Billie Eilish’s Bad Guy was by Meghan Trainor?
My favourite childhood memory is not paying bills
One of the perks of being a woman is that no one can ever surprise you with a kid years later and tell you you’re the mom.