My standup has no deeper message and if I find out I’m empowering anyone or anything I’ll quit.
You Might Also Like
Live, laugh, wake up in an icebath missing a kidney
I have been using teeth whitener, and now they are completely oblivious to the experiences and sufferings of other peoples.
I don’t care what anybody says, my six hours of Black Friday shopping saved me at least $7.50.
Me: where did you get those blood soaked tea bags?
Dracula: I had to pull some strings
o shit
i like how at the end of old movies it says ‘the end’ so you arent horrorstruck by the thought of a fictional universe persisting unobserved
I don’t have anybody to eat dinner with so I share my dinner with the sky chickens.
My Neighbor- * Yelling from a distance*
Dam it! Would you please stop feeding the seagulls. They keep shitting on my Jeep.
wife: is that ellen?
daughter: no, it’s dory
me: ellen is the actress that plays dory
daughter: is she a fish?
me: no, she’s a human
daughter: then that’s not her, cause that actress is a fish
Traditional marriage was between a boy’s parents and a girl’s parents. And maybe some cattle.
Priest: look son, I think you should kick the habit
Me: ok
*nun screams*
My boss yelled at me for napping at work, even though I had a clearly posted “do not disturb” sign.
*picks up rotary phone*
Nine (ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta)
One (ta)Murderer: Lol
My daughter: Can I go to my friend’s house?
Me: Take your phone & text me every 20 minutes to tell me you’re okMe when I was 10: I’m off to the abandoned quarry with my pals
Mum: Dinner’s at 5
Your husband’s super cute, is he single?
Accidentally cut down a telephone pole for firewood again
I can now tell the hour of the day by which part of my body needs a heating pad.
Taking my dog out in below zero weather brings one thought to mind. I should have gotten a cat.
Home Alone (1990)
A know-it-all, suburban elitist cruelly humiliates two economically anxious men, seeking to improve their lives
All I have ever wanted from a yogurt is to know who the cows are.
[looking disappointed at the playboy mansion]
i was told there’d be bunnies
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
It’s fine when farmers use souls of old plants 2 strengthen crops, but when I do it w/ ppl “I’m a witch” & “dear god she’s getting stronger”
Our UPS guy has won 389 FitBit challenges just from walking back and forth to our front door.
wife: [looking at our baby] lets name her after my mother
me: ok
[later]
friend: aww what’s her name?
[at same time]
wife: alice
me: grandma
Mix it up a little. Text a random phone number the following msg:
“The fat one won’t fit into the woodchipper. What do you want me to do?”
Why do people send an @ just to be nasty. Oh yeah, because they are thick dumb cunts who have no life. Glad I cleared that up.
Doctor: You’re gonna lose that eye.
Me: That’s HORRIBLE!
D: You need to be optimistic.
M: HOW?!?
D: Think of it as ‘your glasses half full’.
Kylo Ren: I can’t read your mind! How are you resisting me?!
Rey: Occlumency lessons from Professor Snape.
A woman on the elevator just told me I have a very nice speaking voice and should do something with it.
Like, uh… talk?
“Oh I would do anything for cash,
But I won’t do that”– my kids, Meat Loafing me when I ask them to do their chores