I hear you’ve been spreading rumors all over Twitter that I’m schizophrenic.
Well three can play at that game.
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interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
Eats one handful of popcorn. Spends next 4 years flossing.
I hope the next Adam Sandler movie has a wacky grandpa who uses “bae” all the time so you guys will stop thinking its funny
My confession was so sinful the priest had to call for back up
Wife really liked the “sex anytime, anywhere” coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified “with me”
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: cats climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: nope
[gets anchor tattoo removed]
Oh dear
[slowly floats towards the sun]
casual sex implies the existence of ranked competitive sex
This recipe takes only 30 minutes.
3.5hrs after preparing all the ingredients, it did indeed take 30 minutes.
Do you smoke after sex?
Person looks down…”I don’t know, I never checked.”
My teacher always said not to worry about correct spelling, because we have autocorrect.
And for that I am infernally grapefruit.
*I look into abyss*
*Abyss looks at me*
*Abyss blinking message in Morse code*
*I go off to learn Morse*
*I return*
“Why do we park in a dri
I just signed up for a gym membership and sprained my wrist
They don’t even serve apples at Applebee’s.
Or bees.
My 3 moods:
1. I’m too tired for this shit
2. I’m too old for this shit
3. I’m too sober for this shit
me *brings toddler his popsicle* What do you say?
toddler: Finally
Romantic Emotional Stability Level:
I firmly believe “I could fix him” about Hannibal Lecter.
*spins in circles*
*dies*
*gets stuck in corner*
*dies*
*spins in circle*
*dies*
[Me playing Call of Duty with my son]
“Kill Bill” but it’s me hunting down whoever stole my sandwich from the break room fridge.
me: oh god, look what the cat dragged in
wife: is it a bird?
me: yeah
mangled superman:
When your wife asks you to dig
a hole for her shrub-She’ll feel threatened if you make
it large enough to hold a body.I know this now.
me: *puts on reading glasses to eat a sandwich*
him: what did you do all day?
*steps aside to reveal 12 cats taped together*
Me: it’s a purrrramid!
Boss: You’re fired
Me: *turns in my gun and my badge*
Boss: You’re a waiter where did you get those
Just went through a month of transactions on my bank account because someone has been spending my money… and lo and behold – it was me
I just tried to start a camp fire and boy did my parents over estimate my skills to burn the house down
Sure Xfinity internet service is overpriced and spotty but you can’t put a price on unintentionally being dropped from every Zoom meeting.
People aren’t pleased if you try to turn a regular funeral into a viking funeral. They’re all like “put down the lighter” and “who are you?”
“3 FOR 1 TACOS, TODAY ONLY” I shout into the megaphone. the crowd watches with bated breath.
“I’m coming down,” the man on the ledge shouts
If you’re in Burger King longer than 5 minutes, you’re the manager