Women seem to want security. At least that’s what they yell whenever I approach them.
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I want to have the kind of hope my dog has when the kids walk around eating chips.
If you’re feeling butterflies in your stomach, go make yourself a sandwich. It’s called being hungry.
I just heard “Hell’s bells on coconut shells” and I now have a new favorite answer to everything.
You: I’m so hard on myself.
People on the internet: Hold my beer.
The worst thing about switching from Android to an iPhone is the almond milk.
Like seashell soaps, my Ferrero Rocher are decorative.
Genie: So let me get this straight, your first wish was for your cat to talk?
Me: yes.
Genie: and then your second wish was he couldn’t talk anymore?
Me: He was mean to me.
Genie: And now your third wish is he can talk again?
Me: I just thought of a great come back!
Me: Is it just me…
Everyone: Yes. GOD, YES!
Me: I hadn’t actually finished my question 🙁
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery,
but there will be signs…
I miss being the age where the most devastating thing in the world was when my sandwiches got cut into squares instead of triangles.
don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning crab linguine
The pilgrims ate so much at the first Thanksgiving that they had to unbuckle their hats.
When I said “it’s so big” I was referring to my disappointment
I’m closing my pizza parlor. The Board of Health revoked my slicense.
I wish I could replace my central nervous system with a central confidence system.
Why do we call them “restrictions,” anyway? Do you look at a life-jacket and think “there’s my drowning restriction”?
Jim is short for Jimberly. The short form for James is obviously Jam
accidentally called out my dentist’s name during my colonoscopy
My mom called and gave me the weekly weather report. I can’t wait to do this to my kids.
Money doesn’t grow on trees sounds like something rich people would say so you don’t go looking for their money trees
[eating an entire extra large pizza to myself]
ME: *hears a knock on the door* THIS STALL IS TAKEN.
So many Jehovah’s Witnesses and yet still not a shred of Jehovah’s Evidence.
Why do sanitary towel adverts always feature a liquid which is blue?
Are aliens their primary customers?
Jesus must’ve had a fortune if he paid for all my sins
Every classic folk song is just dubstep turned inward
*wonders if any of my friends snorted tide when I was a teen since we didn’t have tide pods*
My apologies to your congregation. I totally misunderstood when you asked for missionary volunteers
I miss the days when my 2yo didn’t have opinions and I could dress him in whatever I wanted.
TRAINER: you know what they say
ME: no pain! lo mein!
TRAINER: it’s “no gain”
ME: (eating Chinese food) i like this better
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