*makes New Year’s resolution to drink more water*
*starts adding ice to my wine*
You Might Also Like
no matter how many years they’ve been practicing, a bagpipe player always sounds like they started learning that day
It’s a comfort knowing Dad is looking down on me, but we should probably cut his hang-glider out of that tree one of these days.
Finding $5 you didn’t know you had is awesome til you realize you’re 34, it’s 2011 & $5 won’t even buy enough gas to drive you off a cliff.
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
I wish for World peace.
Genie: Can’t do it.
Million dollars?
Genie: Listen bro, I lied on my genie resume.
Pro tip: being patient will get you out of raking leaves. One of these days will be windy and they will blow into your neighbors yard.
I used to think my mother in law liked me but then she bought our 11 year old a learn to play harmonica kit for his birthday
[In a cucumber submarine]
1st mate: *inspecting leak* we’re taking on saltwater captain
Cptn: hm yes looks like we’re in quite the pickle
When your kid asks you where the other parent is, they’re really saying that they’d like to speak with the manager.
Why is it called stupidity and not a total eclipse of the smart?
Spent a summer in Rome, so I’m fluent in dropping that into conversation
Rats the size of cats!
Cats the size of dogs!
Dogs the size of horses!
They’ve definitely put the wrong prescription in my new glasses.
A fun way to get exercise is grab a chainsaw and chase a hiker.
I’m not saying she’s a tease, I’m just saying she’s like a weather forecast for a beautiful weekend on a Wednesday…
She promised to teach me wax on, wax off. Only now my chest is bare, I’m frightened of candles, and pretty sure I still don’t know karate.
Our family summer boat trips haven’t been the same since grandad died & demanded we bury him at sea. In the boat.
Good slumber party questions:
– What’s the furthest underground you’ve ever eaten a burger
– How many necks have you touched
– What’s pesto
[Interrogation room]
Me: *throws chair at wall* TALK
Chair: OK OK…the beast keeps the rose in his chambers
“Just be patient, Liam. The dude in the Tahoe is a heart attack waiting to happen.”
Have the people who designed wine glasses ever washed dishes in their lives?
message to the girl on the skateboard who almost rode into me because she was taking an enormous bite of a hotdog and not paying attention: i love you. you are my wife now. i will never hurt you.
No Kevin, a carburetor is not someone who ate a lot of carbs.
I swear people love me but my Uber score says differently.
[arriving in hell]
devil: all the pringles you can eat, but only with a knife and fork *evil laugh*
me: *starts eating*
devil: wait, how?
applebees is a word that starts off pretty tame but takes a dangerous twist
Me: 911? My wife and I have been in an accident and
she hit the windshield!
911: How’s her head?
Me: Her sister’s better.
Questions like, “Could you survive a cannon blast, dad?” keep my son up at night. Follow up comments like, “I guess we’ll have to wait and see,” keep me up at night.
My 4yo said “I’m closing my eyes so I can see better” and I think she has a future in politics
For cardio, I drive before the windshield is defrosted.
My tinder profile says I love dogs but then on dates I elaborate that it is hot dogs and corn dogs
Someone at work just yelled “go team” so I reported her for creating a hostile work environment.